OP515-516. Out with the old, in with the new

I believe I'm now signing off, too
It's been fun to rhyme for each of you
Oh, now don't shed a tear
I shall soon reappear
So I'll see you next year here, woohoo!

New Year's Eve, and you might end up plastered
Just don't drive and end up a dead bastard.
'Cause this blog will be needing
More limerick reading
Which you have exceedingly mastered!

OP514. Urine for a treat

OP513 reminded me of this one.  I was certain I had already posted this here, but I guess not.

For a treat I decided to go
To the vendor I shelled out the dough
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.

OP513. Even glasses won't help

There once was a colorblind fellow
Who'd pee outside, feeling quite mellow
Someone should let him know
Not to eat any snow
As it tends to just go kinda yellow!

OP512. It must be writer's block

I've been up half the night and all day
And can't think of a damn thing to say
Right now, thinking's a strain
And it's causing me pain
As the fog in my brain blocks the way.

OP511. Crazy advice from crazy women

"You are what you eat," said my nanas
(Bohemian dames with bandannas)
"As you fill up your guts
To the depth of your butts,
Stay 'way from fruits, nuts and bananas!"

OP510. Too lazy to migrate?

As I refill the hummingbird feeder
I have made their food just a bit sweeter
For an energy boost
'Cause the cold has reduced
Power flow, now induced with this treat, sir!

2754. Spewing spunk in her bunk

Thanks for this one's inspiration (from OP509,) David.  Wow!  This makes two consecutive days I've posted, but now I may go two weeks before doing another.  It's more fun without pressure.

Dave is proud of his agnosticism.
Though I'm Christian, with us there's no schism.
For we both realize
That between a girl's thighs
Is the best place for spurting one's jism.

OP509. The perfect woman

For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that's fine
And some junk in her trunk
I like girls that have spunk - 
But of course, I prefer that it's mine.

2752-2753. For the well-red reader

Suz requested a rhyme that's risqué
From Dave, but he has yet to play
And so although it's Christ-
mas I think I'll write piss,
shit, fuck, cunt à la F. Rabelais.

François brings to mind Henry Miller
Whose put downs of  woman were killer.
His books starting "Tropic"
Explored the broad topic
Of ways and positions to drill 'er.

OP507-508. Peace to y'all!

May the joy of your Christmas be strong
And engage in good food and sweet song
Trim the tree, deck the hall,
Take a drink, have a ball
Most of all, hope that y'all get along!

But if you are alone or are working
And are stuck doing tasks you're not shirking,
Just be grateful, not mad
Count your blessings, be glad
And try not to let sadness be lurking.

Have a great Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and happy holiday, however you spend this time of year.

OP506. Time to hibernate

The winter weighs heavy like stone
Though I wear many layers, I groan
And I shiver, feel old
With this chill, uncontrolled
It's the kind that is cold to the bone!

OP505. Sorry fella, just an accidental pun

Her instrument (woodwind) was cute
Formed by hides cut from many a newt
Ardent zeal he conveyed
As he thought he'd get laid
When she told him she played the skin flute.

OP503-504. Prude vs. lewd

Since the Limericist has gone packing,
There's a thing that may sorely be lacking:
All the red ink that bleeds
Ribald rhymes, dirty deeds
I guess somebody needs to get cracking!

Well now, that's where my prude side may ruin
The fun, naughty part he'd been doin'
Can it be that brave Dave
Might just come 'round and save
This great blog from 'the cave of nuns booin'?'

OP501-502. It's no big deal

Well, the first day of winter is here
Should we celebrate? Have us a beer?
I have no time to piss
No, not even a kiss
Just too busy, as Christmas draws near.

This winter's first day, I remember
Was a snowfall we had in November
The cold with it, too
Made our faces turn blue
I can't wait till we're through with December!

OP499-500. A labor of love... and gullibility

I am making a whole bunch of pies
I can hardly keep open my eyes
As I do this for free
There's a chance you will see
That I'm not really being too wise.

They'll have parties while eating my treat
After turkey and trimmings they eat
Though I've not been invited
I won't feel too slighted
I'll sleep day and night 'cause I'm beat!

OP497-498. I love the white stuff!

Out the window, I saw there was snow
A rare sight in Nanaimo, you know!
It does bring an ideal
Sort of Christmassy feel
Just watch out for concealed mistletoe!

Well, I don't need to worry 'bout that
The one male around here is my cat
He just chews up my plants
Then his gut does a dance
He throws up; that's romance going 'splat'!

OP496. We haven't had our Phil

A decision that we may not like
It appears Phil is going on strike!
Who knows how long he might
Be away from this site - 
Is he taking a break, or a hike?

OP495. I can't wait to retire!

Oh, the hamster wheel daily I'm spinning
In this rat race, don't seem to be winning
Does anyone care?
I'm just getting nowhere
Then repeat from the very beginning.

OP494. Karma's a bitch!

Attached to the limb of a spruce
Was a fellow whose neck wore a noose
He now reaped what he'd sown
And upon his headstone -
"Hung because he was known for abuse."

OP492-493. I need a freakin' holiday!

Not having had a holiday since April 2012 was the inspiration to write these two verses (yeah I know I know, it's my own fault!)

When the stress of my work is the cause
Of my wanting to put life on 'pause'
Then it's obvious that
I wish I was my cat
Much too lazy to have any flaws.

I'd just sleep through the chaos and dramas
Without having to put on pajamas
And so when the day's done
I still had much more fun
Than a day in the sunny Bahamas!

OP490-491. I don't miss having one

Glad I don't have a thing known for flopping
When provoked, the damn thing would keep popping
It would get in the way
And keep wanting to play
In the night and all day, hardly stopping.

How the hell d'you ride horses or bikes?
Or suppress the thing when the mood strikes?
It could get a disease
And it shrinks when you freeze
I'd be never at ease, but say "Yikes!"

OP485-489. If you're gonna invent something, do it right!

Wearing bras is annoying somewhat
Any woman who wears one's a nut
Each wire, each strap
Is a flesh-squeezing trap
This whole bra thing's like crap in my butt!

Eighty-five per cent of all us women
Wear an ill-fitting bra that needs trimmin'
We adjust and we fight
Try to fix it just right
Or the cups are too tight that they're brimmin'.

Change the size? Then it squeezes or sags
Turning shapely young ladies to hags.
Is there no clever brain
Who can help to explain
How to rid us of pain from these rags?

Let's tear the damn things off by rippin'!
So? It's not like we're naked or strippin'
Oh, some men might start clappin'
Don't care! Let it happen!
Tits floppin' and flappin' and flippin'.

What a feeling! I'm giggling with glee
And that's how it always should be!
Unrestrained and unchained
I am no longer pained
I don't have to complain 'cause I'm free!

OP484. So tight you could hear it snap

Look at how the election was run
All the scandals, denials, what fun!
What a race, side by side
It was fit to be tied
Oh, but wait! No, I lied; the Dems won!

To the finish line, both were a-chargin'
Just to end by the narrowest margin
Alabama, you know,
Has a blue kind of glow
Now the red side can no longer barge in.

OP483. It's a lean, mean, screen machine scene

Phoneless people are rare to be found
To their cellular toys they are bound
No more face to face chat
And they won't leave their flat
Without carrying that thing around!

You see? Being a technotard has its perks... like meaningful communication in person. All I have is a flip phone which I only use to make calls regarding my business, and for fixing a problem or making plans with family or friends. A desktop computer at home gets used for frivolities in my spare time. See? All my needs are fulfilled... well... technologically speaking anyway.

OP482. The lass thinks gas has class

A perpetual farter named Steven
Never could hold it in; now he's grievin'
'Cause his girlfriend was there
But she said, "I don't care"
Then she burped like a bear; "now we're even."

OP480-481. I'm not leaving! So there!

Well, here I am, using up space
Not to take the great Lim'ricist's place,
But to walk in the halls
Of a blog, and its walls
Lined with lim'ricks that falls 'pon my face.

Although you have decided to part,
All the archives I'll read from the start.
I will stroll down the lane
Of your smart, crazy brain
Just to soothe all the pain in my heart.

OP476-479. Farewell bittersweet to a blog so replete

This is in response to Phil's post posted below this one.

This is painful, and my heart is bleeding
I know now it's your blog I was needing
And so my brain scans
The sad news of your plans
To starve funnybone fans you were feeding.

Though I probably can't change your mind
Want to thank you for being so kind
For allowing me to
Be a part of your crew
I'm so glad it was you I did find.

Though my schedule's quite busy at times
I'd be one of your partners-in-crimes
'Twas a service to me
And a priv'lege to be
In the fun repartee of your rhymes.

With you gone, the air's filled with a chilliness
I will so miss your antics, your silliness
But I'm hoping one day
That a miracle may
Bring you back here to stay (with your willingness).

Just hoping to wake up from this sad dream...

2749-2751. That's all, folks! (For now...)

As promised in my ALERT!! of ten days ago, today's entry is likely my swan song.

Back in August of 2016 I posted #2206 (clickable) about my desire for sophisticated readers and Suzanne wrote a nifty 4-stanza comment to it.

It was at about that time that I wrote the 3-stanza sign off you'll find below.  I've kept it under wraps until today.  It certainly isn't among my best work, but it

   a) gets me past the 2,750 mark and
   b) ends with a pun... my true stock-in-trade.

This blog hardly got off the ground
Did its URL make it hard to get found?
I'm not sure what it lacked
But it didn't attract
Many readers and often I've frowned.

So I've come to the end of the line
Guess my limericks too rarely shine
I thought I was clever
But maybe I never
Wrote many you'd call "really fine."

To you five or six regular readers
Don't cut your throats, I can't stand bleeders!
Proceed to get lives
And don't get drunk in dives
Just 'cause Phil Graham is sehen Auf Wieders.

Thanks for the many posts, comments, and emails over the years!  They've meant a lot and have kept me going much longer than I ever imagined I could.

   The Limericist

2748. Picking your nose but getting another

Two doctors have formed a consortium
Their surnames are Cohen and Florsheim.
Doc Cohen's a rhino
guy, Florsheim's a gyno,
The work of each one's an abortiom.

2747. What a swell evening

While on a sales trip to Sioux Falls
A ménage à trois loomed with two dolls.
But they became vehement
O'er some disagrehement
And I drove back home with blue balls.

2746. This story needs a morel

What int'resting plants are the fungi*
They've no leaves and no wood and they're spongy
Plus, they lack chlorophyll.
While some toadstools can kyll
You'd as likely die jumping with bungee.

* Latin words ending with 'i' are pronounced as if they end 'ee.'  The 'eye' sound is for words ending with 'ae' like alumnae.

On the other hand, that 'g' in fungi isn't pronounced like our 'j' (as my rhyme requires.)  People who say "fun guy" are wrong, but only about the ending vowel sound.

2745. Pulled it out at the end

Watched the Steelers last night with two buds
We ate wings and we drank lots of suds
Pittsburgh finally won ---
Field goal good at the gun,
Celebrated by whipping our puds!
Pittsburgh trailed the entire game, including 17-0 late in the 1st half.  They won 23-20 on a 38 yard Chris Boswell FG as time expired!

2744. How'd we votus this POTUS?

Trump thinks that his fandom is YUGE
But to those in the know, he's a noodge. 
He's totally selfish,
With tiny hands elfish
Dispenses compassion like Scrooge.

2743. 90-day wonders

Ye Olde Spinsters Club of Secaucus
On a quarterly basis gets raucous
It invites some young studs
To insert their hard puds.
(The gals like to call it a "caucus.")

2742. Talent which goes unrecognized

Judith Marks-White has become one of the very few good limericists showcased at AWAD, but rarely does moderator Anu Garg publish more than one of her submissions.  She sent me all 5 of hers last week.  Here are my three favorites (AWADs underlined:)

The old cook told his sous chef, “Don’t broil;
Take this fish which is starting to spoil.
Throw it into a pan
'Til it turns slightly tan
But be sure not to burn, just parboil."

The grande dame had an affect inglorious,
With a mad reputation notorious.
Though by day she seemed quite
So demure and polite
Every night she was most amatorious. 

Our Miss Molly, a gun moll prestigious,
Behaved in a way most egregious.
As she wielded a gun
Claiming, "Simply for fun,"
Coldly murdered on whims most capricious.

I replied,
I'm enamored of your full barrage!
Glad you didn't leave them en garage.
Your limericks wholly
Are perfect and jolie 
No way would I say, "Quel dommage."

2741. And he went bananas!

An unfortunate man, a real wimp,
Had a putz that was constantly limp.
He found a strange doc
Who replaced his soft cock
With the dick of a virile young chimp.
Feel free to continue the story...

Suzanne Heymann accepted the challenge with this comment, but I think it also belongs on the "front page."

That new body part plowed with each surge

But strange feelings began to emerge

Oh, that new crazy limb

As it grew, guided him

To the zoo with a simian urge.