When Rex gets all swollen for sex
His dick reaches clear to his pecs
This half-yard display
Causes women to say,
"May I please ride your edifice, Rex?"
Limericks of three varieties: Clean, Suggestive, and Filthy! The ones in red are R- to X-rated. Those with numeric-only labels are my own, those labeled "OP" are from Other Posters, and the ones with "PD" labels are in the Public Domain. You may email me at limericist@cox.net.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
1222. ANY woman's a sex object
A virgin of 60, Miss Patters,
Against illicit sex often natters.
Though wizened and prim
She still has a quim
(To most guys nothing else really matters.)
Writing this one reminded me of when I was a freshman in high school, riding to a tennis tournament. A senior, reputed to be quite a cock-hound, was also in the car. We passed a girl on the sidewalk and I commented about how unattractive she was. He said, "Did she have a hole between her legs?" "I suppose so" I said. He shot back, "Well, then, she was damn good lookin'."
Against illicit sex often natters.
Though wizened and prim
She still has a quim
(To most guys nothing else really matters.)
Writing this one reminded me of when I was a freshman in high school, riding to a tennis tournament. A senior, reputed to be quite a cock-hound, was also in the car. We passed a girl on the sidewalk and I commented about how unattractive she was. He said, "Did she have a hole between her legs?" "I suppose so" I said. He shot back, "Well, then, she was damn good lookin'."
Saturday, December 28, 2013
1221. On the hornys of a dilemma
A homo I know has become
Unsightly and sick, human scum!
Upper cheeks, pyorrhea,
Lower ones, diarrhea.
So which should I fuck, gums or bum?
Unsightly and sick, human scum!
Upper cheeks, pyorrhea,
Lower ones, diarrhea.
So which should I fuck, gums or bum?
Thursday, December 26, 2013
1220. Izzat cat or rat scat?
The man named St. Fran of Assisi
Liked pets of about any specie
It is said he could tell
What one was by the smell
Wafting up from its freshly-dropped fece.
Liked pets of about any specie
It is said he could tell
What one was by the smell
Wafting up from its freshly-dropped fece.
Monday, December 23, 2013
1219. Road hazard
While hitch-hiking, I got a lift
But a gas station's john left me miffed.
I never knew spirochetes
Could live on toilet seats
Must be true 'cause I got syphed.
But a gas station's john left me miffed.
I never knew spirochetes
Could live on toilet seats
Must be true 'cause I got syphed.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
1218. Beating around the bush
A virgin boy wanted to score
With a girl who was bad to the core.
The fool tried to blandish her
With words outlandisher
Than she had e'er heard before.
Sounds as if a straightforward "Wanna fuck?" would have worked.
With a girl who was bad to the core.
The fool tried to blandish her
With words outlandisher
Than she had e'er heard before.
Sounds as if a straightforward "Wanna fuck?" would have worked.
1217. Abusement Park
A predator guy at Six Flags
Enjoys picking up teen-aged fags
His dick he'll then shove
Up The Tunnel of Love
Or into one's throat 'til he gags.
Enjoys picking up teen-aged fags
His dick he'll then shove
Up The Tunnel of Love
Or into one's throat 'til he gags.
Monday, December 16, 2013
1216. The end of the grind
I began this blog in late July, 2011. It has been a joy to read the limericks posted by you followers and your often-hilarious comments to mine. I hope I've provided you with entertainment through some of my better ones.
However, in reading back over my offerings of the past few months, I've found them not as fresh as many from earlier. Some have been too contrived to qualify as "good ones." I also notice that my mind isn't latching onto unusual words (for rhyming) heard in conversation, on radio, or TV as it used to. The wheels don't automatically start turning. When I try to start that engine myself, I can tell that the resultant five-liner isn't "worthy", but I post it anyway just to keep the blog active.
The drop in quality has resulted in a drop in daily visits. Site visits stayed above 20/day for the first two years. Since Nov.1, they've averaged around 8, attributable in large part to my deteriorating quality. This will be my last "regularly-scheduled" posting. If the muse returns and I create one worth sharing, I will, but this may happen only sporadically.
Thanks so much for supporting me these past 28+ months and do check back at least fortnightly. Maybe a few good ones will have sprung to life!
Nearly daily I've posted a limerick
And when good, just like jewels they've sat shimmerick
But I'm getting too old
Think my tent I will fold
For my readers have all gone a'glimmerick.
However, in reading back over my offerings of the past few months, I've found them not as fresh as many from earlier. Some have been too contrived to qualify as "good ones." I also notice that my mind isn't latching onto unusual words (for rhyming) heard in conversation, on radio, or TV as it used to. The wheels don't automatically start turning. When I try to start that engine myself, I can tell that the resultant five-liner isn't "worthy", but I post it anyway just to keep the blog active.
The drop in quality has resulted in a drop in daily visits. Site visits stayed above 20/day for the first two years. Since Nov.1, they've averaged around 8, attributable in large part to my deteriorating quality. This will be my last "regularly-scheduled" posting. If the muse returns and I create one worth sharing, I will, but this may happen only sporadically.
Thanks so much for supporting me these past 28+ months and do check back at least fortnightly. Maybe a few good ones will have sprung to life!
Nearly daily I've posted a limerick
And when good, just like jewels they've sat shimmerick
But I'm getting too old
Think my tent I will fold
For my readers have all gone a'glimmerick.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
1215. One of The Boys in the Band*?
A gay young musician named Morgan
Learned keyboards from some guy named Jorgen
His playing is guano
Upon the piano
But oh how he sucks on an organ.
* Click here if the title doesn't resonate...
Learned keyboards from some guy named Jorgen
His playing is guano
Upon the piano
But oh how he sucks on an organ.
* Click here if the title doesn't resonate...
Friday, December 13, 2013
1214. I'd like tin-whistle style
There once was a woman from Butte
A whiz kid at playing skin flutte
She could play both transverse
And straight on, but this verse
Might be better if heard through a mutte.
A whiz kid at playing skin flutte
She could play both transverse
And straight on, but this verse
Might be better if heard through a mutte.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
1213. My best day so far
I haven't limericized lately.
My surgery (two hours, sedately)
Was successful, I'm told,
But I'm getting too old
Because several places hurt greatly!
My surgery (two hours, sedately)
Was successful, I'm told,
But I'm getting too old
Because several places hurt greatly!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
PD111-117. One weak's worth
A young lady who fancied a man some,
Was had three times in a hansom.
When she clamored for more,
Her man became sore
And said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her.
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is to hand-job police
As she gives one release
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a back from Cal State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
There once was pervert named Manny
Who stuck his long prick up his fanny
Now he's flailing about
Seems he can't get it out
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth
And the glorious chances
She missed at school dances
And once in a telephone booth.
A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her an hon'rable discharge.
Was had three times in a hansom.
When she clamored for more,
Her man became sore
And said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her.
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is to hand-job police
As she gives one release
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a back from Cal State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
There once was pervert named Manny
Who stuck his long prick up his fanny
Now he's flailing about
Seems he can't get it out
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth
And the glorious chances
She missed at school dances
And once in a telephone booth.
A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her an hon'rable discharge.
OP131. Transportation aggravation
There once was a man on the bus
Whose health started to concern us
His worsening condition
Would cause an emission -
Not of shit, nor of piss, but of pus.
Whose health started to concern us
His worsening condition
Would cause an emission -
Not of shit, nor of piss, but of pus.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
1212. A true hero and leader
Requiescat in Pace, Mandela.
Has ever there been such a fella?
The whole world should mourn
But should not feel forlorn
For the life that he lived was so bella.
Has ever there been such a fella?
The whole world should mourn
But should not feel forlorn
For the life that he lived was so bella.
1211. Voice mail after maybe 100 rings?
A horny and techie gal, Joan,
In her twat placed a cellular phone*
With a devilish smile
Used her landline to dial
Wouldn't answer, but oh how she'd moan.
* On vibrate, no doubt
In her twat placed a cellular phone*
With a devilish smile
Used her landline to dial
Wouldn't answer, but oh how she'd moan.
* On vibrate, no doubt
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
1209-1210. No greater prevaricator
That crazy old Baron Münchhausen
Told tall tales about his carousin'
He had a capacity
For total mendacity
(Which means he told lies by the thousan')
To do this took plenty of moxie
(And he did not tell 'em by proxy.)*
No, those all-made-up quips
Came straight from his lips
Which should have been sealed with epoxy.
* Click here if needed...
Told tall tales about his carousin'
He had a capacity
For total mendacity
(Which means he told lies by the thousan')
To do this took plenty of moxie
(And he did not tell 'em by proxy.)*
No, those all-made-up quips
Came straight from his lips
Which should have been sealed with epoxy.
* Click here if needed...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
1208. B & D and she
That naughty old Marquis de Sade
Kept a woman who had a hot bade
Her protests were futile
The sessions were brutal
He used whips and chains and his rade.
Kept a woman who had a hot bade
Her protests were futile
The sessions were brutal
He used whips and chains and his rade.
Monday, December 2, 2013
1207. Should have pulled out all the stops
Western Union no longer does telegrams
Those yellow and terse parallelograms.
Saying, "I love you stop"
Didn't have enough pop
So I never sent them to my fellow Grahams.
Those yellow and terse parallelograms.
Saying, "I love you stop"
Didn't have enough pop
So I never sent them to my fellow Grahams.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
1206. Prep talk
A cute and hirsute brunette, Betty,
Enjoys being fucked on her settee
But the pubes are so generous
Upon her mons veneris
You'll first need to find a machete.
Enjoys being fucked on her settee
But the pubes are so generous
Upon her mons veneris
You'll first need to find a machete.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
1205. I'm surlier earlier
I don't think 'Black Friday'
is supposed to refer to my mood, but it usually
does.
My neighbors have put up their lights
They're gaudy and ruin nice nights
Do I not remember
The 10th of December
As start date for neighborhood blights?
My neighbors have put up their lights
They're gaudy and ruin nice nights
Do I not remember
The 10th of December
As start date for neighborhood blights?
Friday, November 29, 2013
PD107-110. The great outdoors
To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss,
"I suspect that there’s something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
Carruthers, I know where you piss!"
Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I head for the woods with a spade."
While whizzing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank
In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.
When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.
"I suspect that there’s something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
Carruthers, I know where you piss!"
Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I head for the woods with a spade."
While whizzing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank
In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.
When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
1204. Non-traditional (and non-true)
It's Thanksgiving Day, I feel quirky
I've decided to bypass the turkey
I'll eat dressing and gravy,
Enough for a navy
But as for meat, I'll have beef jerky.
I've decided to bypass the turkey
I'll eat dressing and gravy,
Enough for a navy
But as for meat, I'll have beef jerky.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
1203. 3-2-1... Contacts!
As he stroked to a mag of nude lasses
A teen's mother walked in, gave him sasses:
"Besides rotting your mind,
You're gonna go blind!"
Kid: "May I do it 'til I need glasses?"
More and more I'm resorting to writing limericks with punch lines from hoary jokes. Does my lack of originality indicate that it's time I quit?
A teen's mother walked in, gave him sasses:
"Besides rotting your mind,
You're gonna go blind!"
Kid: "May I do it 'til I need glasses?"
More and more I'm resorting to writing limericks with punch lines from hoary jokes. Does my lack of originality indicate that it's time I quit?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
1202. Look, Ma! No hands!
A virile young Hebrew named Lehman
Delights in his nocturnal dreamin'
He sometimes will wake
With his putz in a lake
Of freshly-deposited semen.
Delights in his nocturnal dreamin'
He sometimes will wake
With his putz in a lake
Of freshly-deposited semen.
Monday, November 25, 2013
PD104-106. A clutch of clean classics
A Chicago meat packer named Young
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Put his wife's ma, unseen,
In a sausage machine
And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”
Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),
To her stepmother always was dutiful.
She went to the ball,
Let her glass slipper fall,
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.
A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ”Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still do have each other.”
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Put his wife's ma, unseen,
In a sausage machine
And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”
Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),
To her stepmother always was dutiful.
She went to the ball,
Let her glass slipper fall,
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.
A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ”Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still do have each other.”
Sunday, November 24, 2013
1201. Non-appealing feeling
There once was a young haberdasher
Whom the girls all considered a masher.
"I don't care how you're dressed,
Get your hand off my breast"
Said one, dashing his chances to gash 'er.
Whom the girls all considered a masher.
"I don't care how you're dressed,
Get your hand off my breast"
Said one, dashing his chances to gash 'er.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
1200. Uncommon commentator
The comic named Steven Colbert
Will say anything on a dert
Politicians discordant
Get comments quite mordant
Thank God, censors don't seem to cert.
Will say anything on a dert
Politicians discordant
Get comments quite mordant
Thank God, censors don't seem to cert.
Friday, November 22, 2013
1199. Menorahty rules
Yesterday, I again received the email that's been going around for several years re: The Washington Post limerick contest requiring that "Lewinsky and Kaczinsky both be included. While it was at least the fifteenth time I'd received it, it did inspire this
Bill Clinton liked using his Konica
To take pics of Jewish slut Monica
He'd snap her undressing,
Then kneeling and blessing
His pecker (just not during Hannukah.)
I'm guessing she did do it during Nosh Hashanah...
Bill Clinton liked using his Konica
To take pics of Jewish slut Monica
He'd snap her undressing,
Then kneeling and blessing
His pecker (just not during Hannukah.)
I'm guessing she did do it during Nosh Hashanah...
Thursday, November 21, 2013
1198. Name that book
A Texas man, well-known for quipping,
Found his date on the rag, she was dripping.
He said with a quiver,
"I'll wade the Red River
But I ain't about to try sipping."
I thought I remembered the line, "I'll wade in the Red River but I won't drink from it" as being from Semi-Tough. However, a (specious?) Google search yielded North Dallas Forty as the source. Comment if you know for sure.
Found his date on the rag, she was dripping.
He said with a quiver,
"I'll wade the Red River
But I ain't about to try sipping."
I thought I remembered the line, "I'll wade in the Red River but I won't drink from it" as being from Semi-Tough. However, a (specious?) Google search yielded North Dallas Forty as the source. Comment if you know for sure.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
1197. Big buildup for a mediocre limmie
Robin Sutherland, Principal Pianist with the San Francisco Symphony, has been mentioned herein several times. We are friends and besides his being an excellent musician he's one of the cleverest people I know. In a recent email he wrote, "The symphony is rehearsing Benjamin Britten's War Requiem, or, as I like to call it, 'The Dead Person's Guide to the Orchestra'..."
(For you non-musicians, one of Britten's most famous works is "The Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra.") Anyway,
Of composer Ben, much has been written
(I refer to Sir Benjamin Britten)
Robin's "Dead Person's Guide"
Made me laugh 'til I cried
His humor's again left me smitten.
If you'd like to hear some of Robin's fine and sensitive playing, CLICK HERE.
(For you non-musicians, one of Britten's most famous works is "The Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra.") Anyway,
Of composer Ben, much has been written
(I refer to Sir Benjamin Britten)
Robin's "Dead Person's Guide"
Made me laugh 'til I cried
His humor's again left me smitten.
If you'd like to hear some of Robin's fine and sensitive playing, CLICK HERE.
1196. Stalling for time
There is a young asshole named Acker
Who at work is a consummate slacker
Given some task to do
He heads off to the loo
And plays with his small tallywhacker.
Who at work is a consummate slacker
Given some task to do
He heads off to the loo
And plays with his small tallywhacker.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
1195. The rabbit died!
My daughter and son-in-law recently notified us that "they" are pregnant.
Next May, first-time grandpa I'll be!
So I'm walking to strengthen my knee.
I've heard, "When you dandle
Naught else holds a candle
And you will be filled with great glee!"
Next May, first-time grandpa I'll be!
So I'm walking to strengthen my knee.
I've heard, "When you dandle
Naught else holds a candle
And you will be filled with great glee!"
Monday, November 18, 2013
1194. This is a stretch
A Michigan man who's named Monson
Possesses the world's longest Johnson
He gets hard in Detroit
To fuck girls in Beloit --
A city in southern Wisconsin.
Possesses the world's longest Johnson
He gets hard in Detroit
To fuck girls in Beloit --
A city in southern Wisconsin.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
1193. Apologies for The Inquisition, et. al.
In much of the world, there's a prevalence
Of Catholics doing benevolence
Guess they want to atone
For when they did condone
Converting "the lost" through malevolence.
I'll be having some surgery done in a few weeks and am thankful that Tulsa has not one, but two large and excellent (Catholic) hospitals -- St. John where my two kids were born and St. Francis (where I'll be having a couple of kidney 'boulders' removed.)
Of Catholics doing benevolence
Guess they want to atone
For when they did condone
Converting "the lost" through malevolence.
I'll be having some surgery done in a few weeks and am thankful that Tulsa has not one, but two large and excellent (Catholic) hospitals -- St. John where my two kids were born and St. Francis (where I'll be having a couple of kidney 'boulders' removed.)
Saturday, November 16, 2013
PD98-103. Six clever classics
The god Thor told the whore he was with
Who he was, hence his great monolith.
She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
When they got off the floor,
"I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"
An unfortunate lad from Madrid
Possessed both Super-Ego and Id,
So whether he screwed,
Or completely eschewed
He felt guilty, whatever he did.
A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe
Who seduced many girls but made few come
Said, "The pleasures of tail
Were ordained for the male.
I've had mine. Do I care whether you come?"
A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven.
Then to eight and to nine,
Thought ten was divine,
And there will be film at eleven...
A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien
Sighed, ”Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.
I'll leave you my card,
And when it gets hard
Please wire or drop me a line.
”Let's try it this new way,” said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
”I should be affronted,
But this time, I'm taken aback!”
Who he was, hence his great monolith.
She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
When they got off the floor,
"I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"
An unfortunate lad from Madrid
Possessed both Super-Ego and Id,
So whether he screwed,
Or completely eschewed
He felt guilty, whatever he did.
A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe
Who seduced many girls but made few come
Said, "The pleasures of tail
Were ordained for the male.
I've had mine. Do I care whether you come?"
A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven.
Then to eight and to nine,
Thought ten was divine,
And there will be film at eleven...
A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien
Sighed, ”Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.
I'll leave you my card,
And when it gets hard
Please wire or drop me a line.
”Let's try it this new way,” said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
”I should be affronted,
But this time, I'm taken aback!”
Friday, November 15, 2013
1192. The bro bra
I've added some flab to my rear
But that's not the place I most fear
If my chest gets much lamer
I'll need Cosmo Kramer
To create for me a manssière.
Popular culture owes much to Seinfeld.
But that's not the place I most fear
If my chest gets much lamer
I'll need Cosmo Kramer
To create for me a manssière.
Popular culture owes much to Seinfeld.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
1191. Hardly a day goes by
Perhaps it's because I'm so frugal
That I feel I should blast on a bugle.
For Bing I've no deference --
When seeking free reference
I use that search engine called Google.
How'd you like to be an encyclopædia salesman in this day and age?
That I feel I should blast on a bugle.
For Bing I've no deference --
When seeking free reference
I use that search engine called Google.
How'd you like to be an encyclopædia salesman in this day and age?
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
1190. A lousy playground
A skanky old whore had some scabs
Which ranged from her thighs to her abs.
She hadn't a clue:
What's the cause? What to do?
Turned out they were bites made by crabs.
Which ranged from her thighs to her abs.
She hadn't a clue:
What's the cause? What to do?
Turned out they were bites made by crabs.
Monday, November 11, 2013
OP130. Slick Willy
When Willy goes out to a mixer
He spies a girl out and he picks her
To get her in the mood
And get her in the nude
He tricks her, then licks her and dicks her.
He spies a girl out and he picks her
To get her in the mood
And get her in the nude
He tricks her, then licks her and dicks her.
1189. Wheel never know how he got home
An Englishman, Lord Smithwick-Gyre,
Unicycled his way to a fyre
But he rolled up too close
And was very morose
When the blaze then consumed his lone tyre.
Unicycled his way to a fyre
But he rolled up too close
And was very morose
When the blaze then consumed his lone tyre.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
OP129. Yesterday, on TODAY
From Tijuana to ‘way up at Thule
‘50’s folk liked to watch Jack
Lescoulie.
Smooth Dave Garroway charmed
Us, signed “Peace,” but alarmed
J. Fred Muggs, whose high jinx were
unruly.
1188. Any port vs. a storm
A man with a wife from St. Kitts
Never knew when she might get the shits
So he'd smear KY jelly
All over her belly
And fuck just her tits or her pits.
Never knew when she might get the shits
So he'd smear KY jelly
All over her belly
And fuck just her tits or her pits.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
OP128. A Blue Ribbon Performance (in 34 seconds)
On TODAY
I watched Roker and Lauer
Get a health check that makes most men
cower.
Matt’s own doc cracked crude jokes
Then dispensed rectal pokes.
Why submit? Prostate cancer is dour.
Live, on the November 7 TODAY Show telecast, a urologist administered
digital rectal exams to hosts Matt Lauer and Al Roker. For more detail, read the first Comment.
Friday, November 8, 2013
1187. This sounds like midway to me
Down his leg, that is...
A sideshow freak keeps his cock curled,
Twenty inches(!) but once it's unfurled
All those who have seen this
Incredible penis
Say it's the 8th Wonder of World.
A sideshow freak keeps his cock curled,
Twenty inches(!) but once it's unfurled
All those who have seen this
Incredible penis
Say it's the 8th Wonder of World.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
1185-1186. He is on it from boot to bonnet
2015 will mark 50 years since several of the guys in my Air Force squadron arrived at Randolph AFB outside San Antonio. One of them, Mike McCabe, recently wrote that the 1952 MG-TD he bought and restored during that time has been garaged ever since he got married in 1970. He says it needs some work but if he can get it running, he plans to drive it to our 50th Reunion! I responded with
McCabe thinks that it would be keen
To party in 2015
And if it will shift, he
Will drive to our fifti-
eth in his TD -- what a scene!
I'll be there to share in the mirth
And to see who has gained the most girth
I'll make the long drive
Right down I-35
That is if I'm still on this earth.
McCabe thinks that it would be keen
To party in 2015
And if it will shift, he
Will drive to our fifti-
eth in his TD -- what a scene!
I'll be there to share in the mirth
And to see who has gained the most girth
I'll make the long drive
Right down I-35
That is if I'm still on this earth.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
1184. Playin' footsie
A man I know says with a smirk,
"I use my right foot when I jerk.
Since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes, not my hands -- a nice perq."
I often see that final word spelled "perk" but it's short for "perquisite."
"I use my right foot when I jerk.
Since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes, not my hands -- a nice perq."
I often see that final word spelled "perk" but it's short for "perquisite."
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
1183. Reeve only just begun
In The Miller's Tale, Old Geoffrey Chaucer
Writes of Alison, "three want to toss her"
Husband, 'Carpenter John',
Nicholas, Absolon.
It seems each one knows how to boss her.
Writes of Alison, "three want to toss her"
Husband, 'Carpenter John',
Nicholas, Absolon.
It seems each one knows how to boss her.
Monday, November 4, 2013
1182. It's not funny money
We fellows like whores who solicit us
But not, when we're done, if they dis-sed us.
When, for money, we came
Much too soon and they shame
Us it seems they're a wee bit duplicitous.
But not, when we're done, if they dis-sed us.
When, for money, we came
Much too soon and they shame
Us it seems they're a wee bit duplicitous.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
1181. On the screws vs. in the pews
A country club golfer named Burch
Had a wife, tried to get him to church.
With the course closed on Mondays
He couldn't miss Sundays
She often got left in the lurch.
A long, straight shot with a driver is said to have been hit 'on the screws.'
Had a wife, tried to get him to church.
With the course closed on Mondays
He couldn't miss Sundays
She often got left in the lurch.
A long, straight shot with a driver is said to have been hit 'on the screws.'
Saturday, November 2, 2013
1180. But have my limericks pejorated?
A cocksman both mated and sated
A virgin ('tho she'd masturbated)
He said to Amelia,
"I'll do more than feel ya'"
Then found how Amelia rated.
A virgin ('tho she'd masturbated)
He said to Amelia,
"I'll do more than feel ya'"
Then found how Amelia rated.
Friday, November 1, 2013
1179. Had he no sense of humid?
Read a fine Sci-Fi novel last June
Have you heard of it? It is called "Dune"
To be perfectly Frank
Mr. Herbert does rank
Near the top. Disagree? You're a loon!
Have you heard of it? It is called "Dune"
To be perfectly Frank
Mr. Herbert does rank
Near the top. Disagree? You're a loon!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
1178. You may crap after reading
A Japanese slut overseas
Had breasts which were certain to please
She'd point at her chest
And slyly suggest,
"Hey, mister, you rike nipponese?"
Had breasts which were certain to please
She'd point at her chest
And slyly suggest,
"Hey, mister, you rike nipponese?"
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
1177. Reel relief
There once was a husband named Kettle
Whose wife sorely tested his mettle
To escape her derision
He'd leave and go fishin'
Which put him in much finer fettle.
Whose wife sorely tested his mettle
To escape her derision
He'd leave and go fishin'
Which put him in much finer fettle.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
PD95-97. More classics
There once was a rich old roué
Who felt himself slipping away.
He endowed a large ward
In a house where he'd whored.
Was a crowd at his funeral? I'll say!
There was an old parson of Lundy,
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
He awoke with a scream:
"What, another wet dream!
This comes from not frigging since Monday."
A sheep-herder outside Van Buren
Lost half of his flock with the murrain.
Quoth the state veterinary,
"You ought not to carry
Them spirochetes found in your urine.
Who felt himself slipping away.
He endowed a large ward
In a house where he'd whored.
Was a crowd at his funeral? I'll say!
There was an old parson of Lundy,
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
He awoke with a scream:
"What, another wet dream!
This comes from not frigging since Monday."
A sheep-herder outside Van Buren
Lost half of his flock with the murrain.
Quoth the state veterinary,
"You ought not to carry
Them spirochetes found in your urine.
Monday, October 28, 2013
1176. 1000 cc rider
There once was a German named Dieter
Who owned an incredible peter
It was long, it was thick,
And was such a big dick
Its displacement was more than a liter.
You need to be pretty old to recognize the rock song in my title.
Who owned an incredible peter
It was long, it was thick,
And was such a big dick
Its displacement was more than a liter.
You need to be pretty old to recognize the rock song in my title.
1175. It's the Series, dearies!
Some sportsmen enjoy going hunting
While boatsmen would much prefer punting
But this time of year
It's baseball that's near
To my heart. Love red, white, and blue bunting.
While boatsmen would much prefer punting
But this time of year
It's baseball that's near
To my heart. Love red, white, and blue bunting.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
1174. The screw-cap fetters
Apologies to C.S. Lewis for that title.
A wino prefers not to dine
Instead, drinks the fruit of the vine
Each time he does tipple
Some Night Train or Ripple
He winds up in jail (not so fine.)
A wino prefers not to dine
Instead, drinks the fruit of the vine
Each time he does tipple
Some Night Train or Ripple
He winds up in jail (not so fine.)
Friday, October 25, 2013
1173. My WORST limerick
Filthy enough for ya?
There once was a dastardly dinge
Who would get your ass cheeks to unhinge
He would next fuck your butt
As he called you his slut
Then retrieve his cum with a syringe.
In NYC in the mid '60s, 'dinge' was slang for 'black homosexual.' Still?
There once was a dastardly dinge
Who would get your ass cheeks to unhinge
He would next fuck your butt
As he called you his slut
Then retrieve his cum with a syringe.
In NYC in the mid '60s, 'dinge' was slang for 'black homosexual.' Still?
OP127. My wurst limerick
There once was a woman named Kirstin
Who told me that I could be first in
I started with foreplay
Till she said "No more play,
I need you to put your bratwurst in."
Who told me that I could be first in
I started with foreplay
Till she said "No more play,
I need you to put your bratwurst in."
Thursday, October 24, 2013
1172. I've heard a pinprick also works
While screwing a gal, crafty Phil
Thought the woman was lying too still
He inserted his thumb
In the hole in her bum
And she came with an extra large thrill.
Thought the woman was lying too still
He inserted his thumb
In the hole in her bum
And she came with an extra large thrill.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
1171. I hate it, too
There once was a tourist named Murry,
Went to India, tried out the curry.
He hated the smell
And it didn't sit well
Had to head for the loo in a hurry.
Went to India, tried out the curry.
He hated the smell
And it didn't sit well
Had to head for the loo in a hurry.
Monday, October 21, 2013
1170. The better to humor you with
P.G. Wodehouse (say 'wood-house') was one of the funniest writers of the 20th century. His unusually-pronounced surname provided the fodder for the following:
A girl went to walk through the wode
On her head, wore a bright crimson hode
While headed to granny
Had sex with a man, he
Declared, "Wow, your pussy feels gode!"
A girl went to walk through the wode
On her head, wore a bright crimson hode
While headed to granny
Had sex with a man, he
Declared, "Wow, your pussy feels gode!"
Sunday, October 20, 2013
1169. Jewish baggage
Overloaded, the poor bell-hop crept
Up six flights, and though he was adept
It took quite a while
And the guest didn't smile,
Asked, "What took so long?" "I over-schlepped."
Up six flights, and though he was adept
It took quite a while
And the guest didn't smile,
Asked, "What took so long?" "I over-schlepped."
OP125-126. The bishop is back
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
And an altar boy set on infirming him
He lifted his frock
And cut off his cock
So he couldn't shoot any more sperm in him.
or...
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who liked to have a trouser worm in him
When subjected to jail
He rejected his bail
He says he's got a full prison term in him.
And an altar boy set on infirming him
He lifted his frock
And cut off his cock
So he couldn't shoot any more sperm in him.
or...
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who liked to have a trouser worm in him
When subjected to jail
He rejected his bail
He says he's got a full prison term in him.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
1168. He's already there
A patrolman discovered young Bart
With his tongue in the twat of a tart.
They were in the back seat,
"Go to Wendy's to eat!"
Said the cop. Girl: "That's me, have a heart!"
With his tongue in the twat of a tart.
They were in the back seat,
"Go to Wendy's to eat!"
Said the cop. Girl: "That's me, have a heart!"
Friday, October 18, 2013
1167. Pennant for St. Louis!
The Dodgers were playing my Redbirds,
In the past that has meant I have said words
That would make sailors blush
But tonight we did crush
Those blue-clad young men into dead turds.
In the past that has meant I have said words
That would make sailors blush
But tonight we did crush
Those blue-clad young men into dead turds.
1165-1166. Empty-nesters again
Our kids left for homes near the sea
One to Jersey and one to S.C.
They helped us with labors
(Sure wish they were neighbors)
They're wondrous as wondrous can be!
Though they're in their 30s, I kiss 'em.
I'm sad and I already miss 'em
They're never vexatious
Just totally precious
And I'll have your hide if you dis 'em.
One to Jersey and one to S.C.
They helped us with labors
(Sure wish they were neighbors)
They're wondrous as wondrous can be!
Though they're in their 30s, I kiss 'em.
I'm sad and I already miss 'em
They're never vexatious
Just totally precious
And I'll have your hide if you dis 'em.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
1164. All aboard!
There once was a man named McCurdy
Whose erect cock was so long and sturdy
It could hold up three 'coons,
Four cats and five loons
Plus the monkey from Sal's hurdy-gurdy.
Whose erect cock was so long and sturdy
It could hold up three 'coons,
Four cats and five loons
Plus the monkey from Sal's hurdy-gurdy.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
1163. Bitch with an itch
An optimist husband from Chad
Has the right to be sad or be mad
Says, "My wife has the scabies
All over her labies
But guess what? She doesn't smell bad."
Has the right to be sad or be mad
Says, "My wife has the scabies
All over her labies
But guess what? She doesn't smell bad."
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
1162. Norman's Conquest
Denmark's not the one place things are rotten
Did you see OU play in the Cotton
Bowl? Heupel's a farce,
Bob Stoops can be an arse,
Thank God some day I will have forgotten.
Josh Heupel is OU's offensive (in both senses) coordinator. Stoops is head coach.
Did you see OU play in the Cotton
Bowl? Heupel's a farce,
Bob Stoops can be an arse,
Thank God some day I will have forgotten.
Josh Heupel is OU's offensive (in both senses) coordinator. Stoops is head coach.
Monday, October 14, 2013
1161. Now get this strait
When I take a visit to Mackinac
The sites I see cure what I lackinac.
Since autos are barred
Girls ride bikes, I get hard,
When their tits jiggle, I start in jackinac."
You did get Mackinaw, lack in awe, and jackin' o(ff), right?
The sites I see cure what I lackinac.
Since autos are barred
Girls ride bikes, I get hard,
When their tits jiggle, I start in jackinac."
You did get Mackinaw, lack in awe, and jackin' o(ff), right?
Sunday, October 13, 2013
1160. Away from the waves
A savvy old pirate named Wright
Put his boat in a bay overnight
This anchorage deep
Let his crew get some sleep
And his barque was no worse for the bight.
Put his boat in a bay overnight
This anchorage deep
Let his crew get some sleep
And his barque was no worse for the bight.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
1159. Window undressing
A man who's considered demure
In fact, does things which are impure
If the truth it be known
He likes jerking his bone
While peeping, that dirty voyeur.
In fact, does things which are impure
If the truth it be known
He likes jerking his bone
While peeping, that dirty voyeur.
Friday, October 11, 2013
1157-1158. A week back in the nest
Both our kids are arriving today
For a visit from quite far away
Each lives near the east coast
Both are great (have to boast)
We anticipate quite a nice stay!
We're hosting our son-in-law, too
But our son will just have to make do
His wife must remain
Her boss wouldn't deign
To give her the week off, oh pooh!
For a visit from quite far away
Each lives near the east coast
Both are great (have to boast)
We anticipate quite a nice stay!
We're hosting our son-in-law, too
But our son will just have to make do
His wife must remain
Her boss wouldn't deign
To give her the week off, oh pooh!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
1156. Gotta love those apologists
If you're male then I'll bet you're among
The large number who wish they were hung
They assume that all wenches
Want more than six inches
Researchers say, "That is just dung."
In the 60's I took comfort from this commercial.
The large number who wish they were hung
They assume that all wenches
Want more than six inches
Researchers say, "That is just dung."
In the 60's I took comfort from this commercial.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
1155. 52 pick-me-up
After hosting two tables for bridge
I went to get punch from my 'fridge
The talk had been boring
I'd done little scoring
So I spiked the bowl just a smidge.
I went to get punch from my 'fridge
The talk had been boring
I'd done little scoring
So I spiked the bowl just a smidge.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
1154. Ride 'em, copgirl!
A rugged police woman, Madelyn,
Could only orgasm by straddlin'
She'd find a male cop
Lay him down, climb on top,
If he came first she'd give him a paddlin'.
Could only orgasm by straddlin'
She'd find a male cop
Lay him down, climb on top,
If he came first she'd give him a paddlin'.
Monday, October 7, 2013
1153. Florida torrid affair
Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe...
An SF queer (an' a bel, he)
Fills and gets filled with more than just glee
Takes his Roca Baton*
Down to Boca Raton
To love and be loved 'side the sea.
If people speak "Spanglish", then Roca (Sp.) + Baton (Fr.) is "Spench" for (hard as a) 'rock stick'
An SF queer (an' a bel, he)
Fills and gets filled with more than just glee
Takes his Roca Baton*
Down to Boca Raton
To love and be loved 'side the sea.
If people speak "Spanglish", then Roca (Sp.) + Baton (Fr.) is "Spench" for (hard as a) 'rock stick'
Sunday, October 6, 2013
1152. Golf, etc. weekend
Four guys to the park known as Roman
Nose went, played golf into the gloamin'.
Told jokes, farted loud,
Crapped to make a mule proud
And no one's hair got any combin'.
Thanks, good buddies, for a super weekend! Wonder how many days it will take to get all the alcohol out of our systems?
Nose went, played golf into the gloamin'.
Told jokes, farted loud,
Crapped to make a mule proud
And no one's hair got any combin'.
Thanks, good buddies, for a super weekend! Wonder how many days it will take to get all the alcohol out of our systems?
Saturday, October 5, 2013
1151. Drinking for a living
There once was a fellow named Neal
Whose stomach was huge, made of steel
He could drink so much Yuengling
The brothers named Ringling
Hired Neal for his sideshow appeal.
Whose stomach was huge, made of steel
He could drink so much Yuengling
The brothers named Ringling
Hired Neal for his sideshow appeal.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
1150. Limping thru life
An impotent loser named Cass
Sure wanted his first piece of ass
He felt he might score
If he went to a whore
But no rise in his dick came to pass.
Sure wanted his first piece of ass
He felt he might score
If he went to a whore
But no rise in his dick came to pass.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
1149. "And he shingles up the middle!"
Two in a row on America's Pastime..
They've taken me off of the roster
I can still play! I'm not an impostor!
It's 'cause everyone's bitching
About all the itching
I have from my damned Herpes zoster.
They've taken me off of the roster
I can still play! I'm not an impostor!
It's 'cause everyone's bitching
About all the itching
I have from my damned Herpes zoster.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
1148. Stop at third!
A semi-pro girl softball player
Has a deal with the town's horny mayor
She exposes her nipples
Whenever she triples
To increase the money he'll pay 'er.
Has a deal with the town's horny mayor
She exposes her nipples
Whenever she triples
To increase the money he'll pay 'er.
Monday, September 30, 2013
1147. Under a canopy, perhaps
A woman zoo keeper, Amanda,
Wanted servants -- took home a large panda.
She taught it to think
And to mix any drink
Served with canapés on her veranda.
Wanted servants -- took home a large panda.
She taught it to think
And to mix any drink
Served with canapés on her veranda.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
1146. Gem dandy
I know of a woman named Meryl
Whose clit is as hard as a beryl
If her pussy you crave
Then you'd better be brave
You'll be putting your pecker in peryl.
I learned this by doing a streep search...
Whose clit is as hard as a beryl
If her pussy you crave
Then you'd better be brave
You'll be putting your pecker in peryl.
I learned this by doing a streep search...
Friday, September 27, 2013
1145. Bussman's holiday
A kiss-loving rascal named Goocher
Found a girl whose mouth needed a suture
To close it, this predator
Both wooed 'er and bedded 'er
While constantly getting to smooch 'er.
Found a girl whose mouth needed a suture
To close it, this predator
Both wooed 'er and bedded 'er
While constantly getting to smooch 'er.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
1144. A capitol fellow!
While taking the tour of the U.S. Capitol today, I met a very nice man from WV.
This fellow I met, Denis Cooper,
Said his name might have one time been 'Hooper'
Each made barrels and casks
But if anyone asks
Denis' preference is "find gal and schtupp 'er."
This fellow I met, Denis Cooper,
Said his name might have one time been 'Hooper'
Each made barrels and casks
But if anyone asks
Denis' preference is "find gal and schtupp 'er."
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
1143. Good gracious!
The lim'rick is often salacious
Abounding with women vivacious
Who get chased by men
Having both yen and ken
To catch them and do acts rapacious.
Abounding with women vivacious
Who get chased by men
Having both yen and ken
To catch them and do acts rapacious.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
PD92-94. Gorey stuff
Edward Gorey was an American author and artist. His limericks were almost always clean (and spooky like his drawings.) Learn more HERE.
A gift was delivered to Laura,
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.
Wrapped in tissue and crêpe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura...
Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits at the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead...
The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout.
She found strength to say,
As they bore her away,
"I should never have taken the trout."
Ed. note: If you understand the last line, please comment. It's eluding me...
A gift was delivered to Laura,
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.
Wrapped in tissue and crêpe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura...
Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits at the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead...
The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout.
She found strength to say,
As they bore her away,
"I should never have taken the trout."
Ed. note: If you understand the last line, please comment. It's eluding me...
Monday, September 23, 2013
1142. Next time, a hot dog and a coke
In hopes he'd get laid, bachelor Virge
On his blind date decided to splurge
Bought her filet mignon
And for wine, Haut Brion --
Nine hundred bucks later, no merge.
On his blind date decided to splurge
Bought her filet mignon
And for wine, Haut Brion --
Nine hundred bucks later, no merge.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
1141. Thin Ben
There once was a fellow named Benny
Whose Johnson was awfully mini.
One that's little like that
Is quite often fat
But Benny's was both short and skinny.
Whose Johnson was awfully mini.
One that's little like that
Is quite often fat
But Benny's was both short and skinny.
PD90-91. Fine for a while...
The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its supression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.
There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they asked him why,
He said, with a sigh,
"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its supression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.
There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they asked him why,
He said, with a sigh,
"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
Friday, September 20, 2013
1140. Can't uranium in rather than killing 'em?
A chemistry prof (judge and jury)
Had students who brought him to fury.
Took them off to the stadium
And killed 'em with radium
In honor of Madame M. Curie.
Had students who brought him to fury.
Took them off to the stadium
And killed 'em with radium
In honor of Madame M. Curie.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
1139. Pedal to the meddle
A nasty old bastard with wile
Rides a bike while in search of a chile
Each kid that he catches
He buggers and lech-es
The headline? "Cops Seek Pedalphile"
Rides a bike while in search of a chile
Each kid that he catches
He buggers and lech-es
The headline? "Cops Seek Pedalphile"
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
1138. Half Nelson
As Willie has been wont to say,
"Ain't it funny how time slips away?"
I find as I age
I'm becoming less sage
Never thought it would be quite this way...
"Ain't it funny how time slips away?"
I find as I age
I'm becoming less sage
Never thought it would be quite this way...
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
1137. I promise not to*
As a sweet young thing nibbled my knob
I felt it beginning to throb
Now she is forlorner
'Cause I didn't warn her
'Fore filling her cheeks with my gob.
* The three biggest lies in the world are
"I love you," "The check is in the mail," and "I promise not to come in your mouth."
I felt it beginning to throb
Now she is forlorner
'Cause I didn't warn her
'Fore filling her cheeks with my gob.
* The three biggest lies in the world are
"I love you," "The check is in the mail," and "I promise not to come in your mouth."
Monday, September 16, 2013
1136. Sari state of affairs
Miss America judges must toke --
Chose an Indian woman, no joke!
New York's Davuluri
Is causing a fury
Among xenophobicky folk.
She is a citizen of Indian heritage. (That's "dot", not "feather" Indian.)
Chose an Indian woman, no joke!
New York's Davuluri
Is causing a fury
Among xenophobicky folk.
She is a citizen of Indian heritage. (That's "dot", not "feather" Indian.)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
1135. Unsound on the mound
My team has a left-handed flinger
Whose ex-girlfriend gave him the finger
Fucked a right-handed pitcher
Which made Lefty ditch 'er
He's pissed and each game, yields a dinger.
"Dinger" is baseball slang for a home run.
Whose ex-girlfriend gave him the finger
Fucked a right-handed pitcher
Which made Lefty ditch 'er
He's pissed and each game, yields a dinger.
"Dinger" is baseball slang for a home run.
Friday, September 13, 2013
1134. The power of suggestion
While drunk in a bar that was smoky
Shot my wad as I watched Karaoke
How a slut held the mic
Made me fondle my spike,
The cops arrived. I'm in the pokey.
Speaking of indecent exposure, in the 1970 movie, "The Owl and the Pussycat", Streisand plays a part-time hooker. She takes George Segal into a porn movie and the hat-check girl says, "Do you want to check your raincoat?" Segal says, "I'm not wearing a raincoat." Hat-check girl says, "Wanna rent one?" Funny (and pre-PeeWee Herman.)
Shot my wad as I watched Karaoke
How a slut held the mic
Made me fondle my spike,
The cops arrived. I'm in the pokey.
Speaking of indecent exposure, in the 1970 movie, "The Owl and the Pussycat", Streisand plays a part-time hooker. She takes George Segal into a porn movie and the hat-check girl says, "Do you want to check your raincoat?" Segal says, "I'm not wearing a raincoat." Hat-check girl says, "Wanna rent one?" Funny (and pre-PeeWee Herman.)
OP124. Pasta sauce soon to follow
Prego, perhaps?
There once was a couple named Sweeney
He licked clit while she sucked on his weenie
And her crabs, they joined hands
And made sixty-nine strands
You could say it was cunnilinguini.
There once was a couple named Sweeney
He licked clit while she sucked on his weenie
And her crabs, they joined hands
And made sixty-nine strands
You could say it was cunnilinguini.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
OP123. Bit off more than he could chew
There once was a glutton named Gromit
Went through food with the speed of a comet
He then felt a great evil
A gastric upheaval
And henceforth proceeded to vomit.
Went through food with the speed of a comet
He then felt a great evil
A gastric upheaval
And henceforth proceeded to vomit.
1133. I hate computers
I have me a laptop from Dell
And most of the time it works well
When it don't it is oft
Due to ol' Microsoft
They've written the OS from hell.
And I have Windows7-- not the dreaded 8!
And most of the time it works well
When it don't it is oft
Due to ol' Microsoft
They've written the OS from hell.
And I have Windows7-- not the dreaded 8!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
OP122. A dirty poet and I surely know it
Some people prefer the haiku
They're clean and they're easy to do
But I'm a limericker
They're longer and sicker
And if you don't like it, fuck you!
Ed. note: This brought to mind one I wrote.
They're clean and they're easy to do
But I'm a limericker
They're longer and sicker
And if you don't like it, fuck you!
Ed. note: This brought to mind one I wrote.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
1132. A bit forward, maybe?
I know lots of girls and I call 'em
To see if they might let me ball 'em
I do not understand
Why so few want my gland
Guess they think that I might try to maul 'em.
To see if they might let me ball 'em
I do not understand
Why so few want my gland
Guess they think that I might try to maul 'em.
Monday, September 9, 2013
1131. AWAD
This limerick was inspired by one of my favorite websites, A Word A Day. You can (and should) sign up for it HERE. Today's word appears as the last in my first line.
There once was a stupid factotum
Castrated, so he had no scrotum*
This lowly apprentice
Was non compos mentis
None read his memoirs when he wrote 'em.
*He could read, but not shoot, AWAD
There once was a stupid factotum
Castrated, so he had no scrotum*
This lowly apprentice
Was non compos mentis
None read his memoirs when he wrote 'em.
*He could read, but not shoot, AWAD
Sunday, September 8, 2013
1130. Doubly premature
As after my quarry I crept
My heart in my chest fairly leapt!
It made me so squirrely
My gun went off early --
At hunting and sex I'm inept.
My heart in my chest fairly leapt!
It made me so squirrely
My gun went off early --
At hunting and sex I'm inept.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
1129. But we have oral sex
There used to be joy in my life
And lots of it due to my wife
Now things come between us
(But rarely my penis)
And cause us much marital strife.
Oral sex in our case means passing in the hallway and trading "Fuck you's"
And lots of it due to my wife
Now things come between us
(But rarely my penis)
And cause us much marital strife.
Oral sex in our case means passing in the hallway and trading "Fuck you's"
Friday, September 6, 2013
PD88-89. Definitive humor
These two also appear in Billington's collection (see PD81-87 notes.)
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure
And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure
And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
1128. It's difficult (can't use 'hard')
To write a clean lim'rick is tough
One cannot use language that's rough
Or even a smatter
Of lewd subject matter
(Like folks doing things in the buff.)
One cannot use language that's rough
Or even a smatter
Of lewd subject matter
(Like folks doing things in the buff.)
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
1127. What did she d'rectum to portray?
A very weird woman named Vinkter
Had a tat artist 'paint' 'round her sphincter
While arting her anus
Her farting was heinous
So after he'd inked 'er, he dinked 'er!
Had a tat artist 'paint' 'round her sphincter
While arting her anus
Her farting was heinous
So after he'd inked 'er, he dinked 'er!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
1126. Not the Jersey Shore whore
Southern Illinois University is located in Carbondale. The saluki dog is its mascot.
A hot gal in Carbondale, Snookie,
Will happily give you free nookie.
Upperclassmen at college
Pass on this fine knowledge
To each male incoming Saluki.
This info seems infinitely better to know than some secret fraternity handshake.
A hot gal in Carbondale, Snookie,
Will happily give you free nookie.
Upperclassmen at college
Pass on this fine knowledge
To each male incoming Saluki.
This info seems infinitely better to know than some secret fraternity handshake.
Monday, September 2, 2013
OP119-121. Crass? Well, maybe just a bit
Robin, my gay friend from San Fran, could put us all to shame were he to become a regular poster here. He has left many clever comments in the past, signed "Amanda B. Reckonedwith", "Helena Handbasket", etc. Here's a sample of his poetic talent, just received via email:
I really don't mean to be crass
In telling you of the hot ass
On this young stud named Bud
Who was pulling my pud.
'Twas awesome, what then came to pass:
At first he backed onto my dick,
Until I lost sight of that prick!
He wiggled away
Through the night. And next day,
The thing REALLY started to click!
My cock finally quit young Bud's ass.
We'd fucked till we ran out of gas!
(I'd tell you some more
Of this awesome boy-whore,
But I've said I don't mean to be crass.)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
1125. Rubyought to be her name
Khayyam kind of proud of that title...
A mid-eastern rascal named Ali
Picked up a young miss and did dally
With loaf, jug, and her
And when he stroked her fur,
She let him slip into her valley.
A mid-eastern rascal named Ali
Picked up a young miss and did dally
With loaf, jug, and her
And when he stroked her fur,
She let him slip into her valley.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
1124. Sensory overload
What with golf's Fed-X Cup playoffs, the US Tennis Open, and the opening of the college football season, I felt like I needed about six TVs to stay up with everything I wanted to watch today!
My TV Remote feels quite hot
For today I have used it a lot
This weekend's a menace,
Watched golf, football, tennis
Just couldn't remain in one spot.
My TV Remote feels quite hot
For today I have used it a lot
This weekend's a menace,
Watched golf, football, tennis
Just couldn't remain in one spot.
1123. 2 Rms, Ocean Vue
"My favorite place in the mondo
Is my beach town that's known as Redondo."
(These words from a bitch
Who's incredibly rich --
Paid six million bucks for her condo.)
Is my beach town that's known as Redondo."
(These words from a bitch
Who's incredibly rich --
Paid six million bucks for her condo.)
Thursday, August 29, 2013
PD81-PD87. Rollicking Religious Relics
Each of the following is from a small (but very good) collection by Ray Allen Billington. It is entitled LIMERICKS HISTORICAL AND HYSTERICAL with copyright 1981 by W. W. Norton and Co., NY. More specifically, all of those below are purported to have been composed by members of a now-defunct(?) group of Chicagoans who called themselves "The Society of the Fifth Line."
A short-peckered rabbi named Stu
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy veh!
You keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you!"
There was a young preacher from China
Who loved boys but thought birds diviner
But he gets little tail --
In fact, he's in jail
Being charged with corrupting a mynah.
There once was an amorous abbot
Who longed to get into the habit
Of a virginal nun
Whom he scragged on the run
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)
A postulant, perfect and celibate,
Found his passions beginning to well a bit
But his nightly repression
Found fluid expression
Annointing the roof of his cell a bit.
At a born-again Baptist conversion
A preacher kept urgin' a virgin
'Til she finally gave in
When he said, "It's no sin
So long as it's total immersion."
A lecherous curate of Leeds
Was discovered one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun.
He said, "Christ, this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads."
A born-again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair
As she climbed into bed
She rev'rently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
A short-peckered rabbi named Stu
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy veh!
You keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you!"
There was a young preacher from China
Who loved boys but thought birds diviner
But he gets little tail --
In fact, he's in jail
Being charged with corrupting a mynah.
There once was an amorous abbot
Who longed to get into the habit
Of a virginal nun
Whom he scragged on the run
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)
A postulant, perfect and celibate,
Found his passions beginning to well a bit
But his nightly repression
Found fluid expression
Annointing the roof of his cell a bit.
At a born-again Baptist conversion
A preacher kept urgin' a virgin
'Til she finally gave in
When he said, "It's no sin
So long as it's total immersion."
A lecherous curate of Leeds
Was discovered one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun.
He said, "Christ, this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads."
A born-again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair
As she climbed into bed
She rev'rently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
1122. Warm Springs, Georgia
Two newlywed fat folks in Macon
Can certainly get their bed shakin'
I do not know how
This boar and his sow
Can spend twelve hours a day makin' bacon!
For an interesting(?) tidbit about Macon, GA, hockey fans may click on THIS.
Can certainly get their bed shakin'
I do not know how
This boar and his sow
Can spend twelve hours a day makin' bacon!
For an interesting(?) tidbit about Macon, GA, hockey fans may click on THIS.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
1121. Contrapuntal problems
A pianist, Angus McDougal,
Had trouble when playing things fugue-al
So he'd give a listen
To notes he was missin'
By hearing them played using Google.
He probably only used google to find them, but listened on youtube..
Had trouble when playing things fugue-al
So he'd give a listen
To notes he was missin'
By hearing them played using Google.
He probably only used google to find them, but listened on youtube..
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
1120. Steep price to pay
While brewing the tea called Oolong
I did something terribly wrong...
Before it could cool
I chose a poor tool
To stir it, and blistered my dong.
I did something terribly wrong...
Before it could cool
I chose a poor tool
To stir it, and blistered my dong.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
1119. Probably not my Sunday best
A Sunday School teacher named Rucker
To church wore her best bib and tucker.
There she taught all the kids
How God chose the Yids
And loved them and offered them succor.
Daffynition: The Exodus -- a sufferin' succor dash.
To church wore her best bib and tucker.
There she taught all the kids
How God chose the Yids
And loved them and offered them succor.
Daffynition: The Exodus -- a sufferin' succor dash.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
1118. Brain drain
A randy young rascal named Mick
Had most of his brains in his dick
He went out to consort
And committed a tort
By fucking an under-age chick.
Had most of his brains in his dick
He went out to consort
And committed a tort
By fucking an under-age chick.
Friday, August 23, 2013
1117. Should have ordered conch
At a greasy-spoon diner in Bimini
A Swede tried the grouper -- too lemony
Besides being tart
It caused him to fart
Which made his wife shout, "Yumpin' Yiminy!"
A Swede tried the grouper -- too lemony
Besides being tart
It caused him to fart
Which made his wife shout, "Yumpin' Yiminy!"
Thursday, August 22, 2013
OP118. Could this be stanza 3?
Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Not only could it be Stanza 3, it now is! Your host for The Limericist Blog took the liberty of augmenting #1107 with the above lines and also gave some kudos to Mr. Reddekopp.
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Not only could it be Stanza 3, it now is! Your host for The Limericist Blog took the liberty of augmenting #1107 with the above lines and also gave some kudos to Mr. Reddekopp.
1116. Stanza 2 for #1107
Occasional poster but regular reader/commenter, Okie-Jokey, left a comment today to entry #1107. He felt my man of the cloth might be our old friend, The Bishop of Birmingham, and therefore would need male companionship. Thus, the following:
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)
I've included my 5 extra lines in 1107, also.
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)
I've included my 5 extra lines in 1107, also.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
1115. Wank or walk
There once was a filthy curmudgeon
Whose prick also worked as a bludgeon
If his date gave no yanking
He'd use it for spanking
Her, then send her homeward a'trudgin'.
Whose prick also worked as a bludgeon
If his date gave no yanking
He'd use it for spanking
Her, then send her homeward a'trudgin'.
OP117. #1100's boyfriend
A man thought it would be a waste
If he didn't go down for a taste
But the flavor, it stung
Badly damaged his tongue
You could say he was rather de-based.
If he didn't go down for a taste
But the flavor, it stung
Badly damaged his tongue
You could say he was rather de-based.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
1114. Early home mammogram
A jazz-age gal's mind was quite wandery
Especially while doing laundry
Dreamed of being a singer
Caught tit in the wringer!
Explaining left her in a quandary.
Especially while doing laundry
Dreamed of being a singer
Caught tit in the wringer!
Explaining left her in a quandary.
Monday, August 19, 2013
1113. Tuba-lar bell
The title is a play on words. Remember (click) "The Exorcist" theme?
A musician who played the euphonium
Had his instrument plated with chromium
When he Handel'd or Bach'd
His playing got knocked
But his horn would receive an encomium.
A musician who played the euphonium
Had his instrument plated with chromium
When he Handel'd or Bach'd
His playing got knocked
But his horn would receive an encomium.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
1112. I believe I'd charge a lot more
A daydreaming teenager, Bud,
Imagined himself as a stud.
"I'll charge 10 bucks for viewing
But 50 for screwing
My marvelous fourteen-inch pud."
Imagined himself as a stud.
"I'll charge 10 bucks for viewing
But 50 for screwing
My marvelous fourteen-inch pud."
Monday, August 12, 2013
1110. Missing my muse
There once was a woman named Dotti
Who rode in a silver Bugatti.
(While its rhythm is clean
And it isn't obscene,
This poem belongs in the potty.)
Who rode in a silver Bugatti.
(While its rhythm is clean
And it isn't obscene,
This poem belongs in the potty.)
Sunday, August 11, 2013
1109. Casting couch
A movie director named Neal
Gets sex using this bold appeal:
"If you'll give me a hum job
I'll cast you in some job
That should, quid pro quo, seal the deal."
Gets sex using this bold appeal:
"If you'll give me a hum job
I'll cast you in some job
That should, quid pro quo, seal the deal."
Saturday, August 10, 2013
1108. I'll have the Pinot Noir
A vineyard to visitors pandered
And let folks stomp after they'd gandered
One (a jock) got to traipse
On some cabernet grapes,
His athlete's foot made 'em sub-standard.
And let folks stomp after they'd gandered
One (a jock) got to traipse
On some cabernet grapes,
His athlete's foot made 'em sub-standard.
Friday, August 9, 2013
1107. Tight fit for much else
A bishop with sports car of red
Finds that hot girls are easily led
To his Alfa Romeo,
Shouts, "Excelsis Deo!"
Each time that one gives him some head.
On 8/22/13, Okie-Jokey commented that my prelate might also like young men, precipitating this response from me...
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)
And Dave Reddekopp posted this follow-up as OP118 on the same day. Note how all 5 of his lines end with the same two rhyming syllables. Unusual and well-played, Dave.
Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Finds that hot girls are easily led
To his Alfa Romeo,
Shouts, "Excelsis Deo!"
Each time that one gives him some head.
On 8/22/13, Okie-Jokey commented that my prelate might also like young men, precipitating this response from me...
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)
And Dave Reddekopp posted this follow-up as OP118 on the same day. Note how all 5 of his lines end with the same two rhyming syllables. Unusual and well-played, Dave.
Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
PD80. Aural sex?
This one is nearly as good as the one about the 'bent' man from Kent which can be seen by clicking HERE. Wish I'd written either or both...
There once was a lady from Kent
Whose cunt was so large in extent
And so deep and so wide
That acoustics inside
Were so good, you could hear when you went.
There once was a lady from Kent
Whose cunt was so large in extent
And so deep and so wide
That acoustics inside
Were so good, you could hear when you went.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
1106. Since it's hump-day
There once was a sheik from Bahrain
Who thought that his steed was too plain
He painted that camel
With bright pink enamel
An act I find rather inane.
Who thought that his steed was too plain
He painted that camel
With bright pink enamel
An act I find rather inane.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
1105. Ewwwww, IMHO
A woman gave birth in Madrid
And then a disgusting act did --
She ate some polenta
Mixed with the placenta
To help her to breast-feed her kid.
It's not that unusual, I guess... check this article from The Atlantic.
And then a disgusting act did --
She ate some polenta
Mixed with the placenta
To help her to breast-feed her kid.
It's not that unusual, I guess... check this article from The Atlantic.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
1103-1104. Auto eroticism
A slimy car salesman named Steel
Puts few women behind the wheel
He won't even quote 'em
Just takes dick and scrotum
And offers the old 'package' deal.
A man drove a classic old Stutz
On dirt roads with very deep ruts
One bounce broke a shock
Causing pain to his cock
And a permanent ache in his nuts.
Puts few women behind the wheel
He won't even quote 'em
Just takes dick and scrotum
And offers the old 'package' deal.
A man drove a classic old Stutz
On dirt roads with very deep ruts
One bounce broke a shock
Causing pain to his cock
And a permanent ache in his nuts.
Friday, August 2, 2013
1102. A laosy limerick
A home to the weird and the smart
Is also well-known for its art
It's funny that 'Taos'
Rhymes only with 'Laos'
They're 9,000 miles apart.
Comments welcomed if I'm overlooking other words ending 'aos' and pronounced with the slight diphthong. "Chaos" meets the spelling but not the sound requirement.
Is also well-known for its art
It's funny that 'Taos'
Rhymes only with 'Laos'
They're 9,000 miles apart.
Comments welcomed if I'm overlooking other words ending 'aos' and pronounced with the slight diphthong. "Chaos" meets the spelling but not the sound requirement.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
1101. In a slough of trouble
There once was a hiker named Ben
Who slipped and fell into a fen
He got rather soggy
Down there in that boggy
Spot. It was as deep as his chin.
Who slipped and fell into a fen
He got rather soggy
Down there in that boggy
Spot. It was as deep as his chin.
Monday, July 29, 2013
1100. On a scale of 0-14, she's a 2
There is an old hooker named Stern
One visit, you'll never return
Her cunt's pH? Acid,
Which makes you go flaccid
And suffer a first degree burn.
One visit, you'll never return
Her cunt's pH? Acid,
Which makes you go flaccid
And suffer a first degree burn.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
1098. In response to OP116 below
A most felicitous birthday greeting to you, Dave! Since I'm 67, I can barely even remember being your tender age. Then again, what I do remember is that life seemed like a peach orchard stretching out ahead of me, full of delights just waiting to be plucked. For the most part, it's turned out that way and I wish you the same optimism and bounty in your life. Have a wonderful day and here's a follow-up to your sister's initial limmie:
The fact that you live in Swift Current
Would make these rhymes tough if it weren't
For several beers
And my 36 years
Extra practice. Age ain't no deterrent!
The fact that you live in Swift Current
Would make these rhymes tough if it weren't
For several beers
And my 36 years
Extra practice. Age ain't no deterrent!
OP116. Happy birthday to me
My sister wrote me a birthday limerick. It was her first try, so I've edited it a little to make it scan.
There once was a man from Swift Current
If he stayed in the sun he got burnt
He at supper was happy
Sister's phone took a snappy
And he looked like a weirdo, he learnt.
Yup, I'm a geezer now, I'm 31.
There once was a man from Swift Current
If he stayed in the sun he got burnt
He at supper was happy
Sister's phone took a snappy
And he looked like a weirdo, he learnt.
Yup, I'm a geezer now, I'm 31.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
1097. Rainforest risk
Entomologists down in Belize
Are working to stop killer bees
From continuing north,
And when they step forth
They hate getting stung where one pees.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Are working to stop killer bees
From continuing north,
And when they step forth
They hate getting stung where one pees.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Monday, July 22, 2013
1096. Ask and ye shall..
There once was a fellow named Hatch
Who wanted to get him some snatch
He was nervous to ask
A strange girl for the task
But to his surprise she said, "Natch."
Who wanted to get him some snatch
He was nervous to ask
A strange girl for the task
But to his surprise she said, "Natch."
Friday, July 19, 2013
1095. Big decision
My options for golf I am mullin'
Watch Open at Muirfield in Gullane?
Or should I go play?
Gonna be a nice day
But my game often makes me real sullen.
Watch Open at Muirfield in Gullane?
Or should I go play?
Gonna be a nice day
But my game often makes me real sullen.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
1094. Differences
One diff'rence 'tween straight hers and hims
Is that guys all have cocks, gals have quims.
And then there's their thoughts,
His -- sports, tits and twats --
While hers run toward shopping and gems.
Is that guys all have cocks, gals have quims.
And then there's their thoughts,
His -- sports, tits and twats --
While hers run toward shopping and gems.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
1093. What rot
Surfing TV, I made a dumb visit
Watched "E!" and it made me inquisit-
ive. Saw Justin Bieber
And said, "Ach du lieber!"
If this kid has talent, what is it?
Watched "E!" and it made me inquisit-
ive. Saw Justin Bieber
And said, "Ach du lieber!"
If this kid has talent, what is it?
Monday, July 15, 2013
1092. And the horse he Rodin on
A sculptor from France named Dionne
Spent many years thinking (once grown.)
For youth he'd a hunger
But never grew younger
Nickname was Penser de Lyons.
Spent many years thinking (once grown.)
For youth he'd a hunger
But never grew younger
Nickname was Penser de Lyons.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
1091. The capper
There once was a husband named Sam
With a prick like a battering ram
And as likely as not
When he'd fuck his wife's twat
He'd withdraw wearing her diaphragm.
With a prick like a battering ram
And as likely as not
When he'd fuck his wife's twat
He'd withdraw wearing her diaphragm.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
OP115. Evangelism cataclysm
I know, I know, it's another fundie-bashing limerick. It's easy and I get a bunch in this one.
Since Falwell fell dead in his top off-
ice, that fraud was exposed - Peter Popoff,
Ted Haggard looks haggard
Jim Swaggart's less swaggered
And religious belief's seen a dropoff.
Okay, not entirely true - Popoff, a faith healer, was exposed before Falwell's death, but the limmie didn't scan that way. He's still pulling the same scam now. But religious belief is dropping, especially in those my age (30) and younger. Partly due to the shining example of hypocrites like these four.
Since Falwell fell dead in his top off-
ice, that fraud was exposed - Peter Popoff,
Ted Haggard looks haggard
Jim Swaggart's less swaggered
And religious belief's seen a dropoff.
Okay, not entirely true - Popoff, a faith healer, was exposed before Falwell's death, but the limmie didn't scan that way. He's still pulling the same scam now. But religious belief is dropping, especially in those my age (30) and younger. Partly due to the shining example of hypocrites like these four.
Friday, July 12, 2013
1090. Liberté, égalité, but no fraternity
Forget any French pronunciations you may have learned...
A freshman has tried several plois
At trying to be one of the bois
But here is the skinny
On why he's not in, he
Has far too much avoirdupois.
A freshman has tried several plois
At trying to be one of the bois
But here is the skinny
On why he's not in, he
Has far too much avoirdupois.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
PD79. Nim(ble)rod
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "That tuna can suck me, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
Said, "That tuna can suck me, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
1089. Double dribble
An incontinent bastard named Rule
Seems to pee all the time with his tool
Except when it's risen
For then he stops whizzin'
And starts in a'lopin' his mule.
Seems to pee all the time with his tool
Except when it's risen
For then he stops whizzin'
And starts in a'lopin' his mule.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
1088. Permanence
There once was a fellow named Black
Whom the town's women gave a fine plaque
They wanted to celebrate
And also commemorate
The fact that he'd never gone slack.
Whom the town's women gave a fine plaque
They wanted to celebrate
And also commemorate
The fact that he'd never gone slack.
Monday, July 8, 2013
1087. Thrust and Perry
The Scot tennis player, A. Murray,
Took care of Novak in a hurry
In only three sets
He Serbed but few lets
And gained praise from Caithness to Surrey.
Fred Perry was the last UK player to win Wimbledon -- in 1936!
Took care of Novak in a hurry
In only three sets
He Serbed but few lets
And gained praise from Caithness to Surrey.
Fred Perry was the last UK player to win Wimbledon -- in 1936!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
1086. Rape of the Sabine woman
I'm watching Bartoli-Lisicki
The match looks to be a real quickie
Marion's havin' fun
It's 6-1, 5-1,
Sabine looks like she took a Mickey.
Not much of a Women's final at Wimbledon this year.
The match looks to be a real quickie
Marion's havin' fun
It's 6-1, 5-1,
Sabine looks like she took a Mickey.
Not much of a Women's final at Wimbledon this year.
Friday, July 5, 2013
1085. The narcolepsy defense
There was a young woman named Blossom
Who led dates to think she would toss 'em
Their dicks tried to creep in
But she would feign sleepin'
By curling up tight, playing 'possum.
Who led dates to think she would toss 'em
Their dicks tried to creep in
But she would feign sleepin'
By curling up tight, playing 'possum.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
PD78. Love the alternate spelling
A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in
He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.
You can tell this one's old -- pre-seatbelts.
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in
He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.
You can tell this one's old -- pre-seatbelts.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
1084. Fatuous pursuit
There once was a golfer named Clough
Whose ball often flew in the rough
And when he would find it
He'd then hit behind it
And shout out, "My God, this game's tough!"
There's a pun in my title. To strike the ground first is called "hitting it fat."
Whose ball often flew in the rough
And when he would find it
He'd then hit behind it
And shout out, "My God, this game's tough!"
There's a pun in my title. To strike the ground first is called "hitting it fat."
Monday, July 1, 2013
1083. What an annus!
A rascal's dick looked like a finial
Whenever it got hard and lineal
Now he was no saint,
Liked attacking wife's taint --
The pain in her ass was perineal.
The area between the vagina and anus is properly pronounced 'periNEEal' (but then the last word pun wouldn't work.)
Whenever it got hard and lineal
Now he was no saint,
Liked attacking wife's taint --
The pain in her ass was perineal.
The area between the vagina and anus is properly pronounced 'periNEEal' (but then the last word pun wouldn't work.)
Sunday, June 30, 2013
1082. Location, Location
A New Orleans whore needing real dough
Plied her trade just outside The Cabildo
Tourists mainly were there
Just to see Jackson Square
So she only got sex from her dildo.
Plied her trade just outside The Cabildo
Tourists mainly were there
Just to see Jackson Square
So she only got sex from her dildo.
OP114. Helps for Phelps
A lowly man from humble digs
Banished demons to a herd of pigs
But the Westboro throng
Has again got it wrong
For their book really states God hates figs.*
*Matthew 21:19.
Banished demons to a herd of pigs
But the Westboro throng
Has again got it wrong
For their book really states God hates figs.*
*Matthew 21:19.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
1081. Rapid response
On a walk on a windy day, Curt
Saw a gust lift a pretty girl's skirt
At that glimpse of her haunch, he
Began feeling raunchy
And instantly started to flirt.
Saw a gust lift a pretty girl's skirt
At that glimpse of her haunch, he
Began feeling raunchy
And instantly started to flirt.
Friday, June 28, 2013
1080. Titian coition?
A fastidious fellow named Drew
Picks just certain women to screw
These gals (if he fucks 'em)
All have to be buxom
With skin of a gently pale hue.
Picks just certain women to screw
These gals (if he fucks 'em)
All have to be buxom
With skin of a gently pale hue.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
1079. A huge step toward equality
Our SCOTUS struck down part of DOMA
Right-wingers are all in a coma
But states still make rules
So only gay fools
Will plan weddings in Oklahoma.
The acronyms in line one are for Supreme Court of the U.S. and Defense of Marriage Act.
Right-wingers are all in a coma
But states still make rules
So only gay fools
Will plan weddings in Oklahoma.
The acronyms in line one are for Supreme Court of the U.S. and Defense of Marriage Act.
1078. Lazy loser
This one was spawned by my hearing someone on radio say "laxadaisical."
Lackadaisical Louie, that creep,
When fucking likes going in deep
But it isn't often
He does any boffin'
'Cause most of the time he's asleep.
Lackadaisical Louie, that creep,
When fucking likes going in deep
But it isn't often
He does any boffin'
'Cause most of the time he's asleep.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
1077. His books are better
Last night on TV in my home
Watched a new series, "Under the Dome"
Like most Stephen King
First show's full of zing
Next week I'll revert to a tome.
It was pretty good, but I expect a "descent to mediocrity" in plots, writing and acting will begin soon.
Watched a new series, "Under the Dome"
Like most Stephen King
First show's full of zing
Next week I'll revert to a tome.
It was pretty good, but I expect a "descent to mediocrity" in plots, writing and acting will begin soon.
Monday, June 24, 2013
1076. Broadening the palate
The not-too-experienced Larry
Told his girlfriend their love-life should vary
They tried soixante-neuf
But the act made the roof
Of his mouth feel all coated and hairy.
Told his girlfriend their love-life should vary
They tried soixante-neuf
But the act made the roof
Of his mouth feel all coated and hairy.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
1075. Fan of Felix Leiter?
There once was a fellow named Burke
Who had an annoying quirk
When at a Bond flick
Stood flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.
Who had an annoying quirk
When at a Bond flick
Stood flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
1074. Service with a smile
A prostitute, born kinda shy,
Would loosen up (that is, she'd try)
With clever wise cracks
While you worked to climax
The result? You would come through the wry.
Would loosen up (that is, she'd try)
With clever wise cracks
While you worked to climax
The result? You would come through the wry.
Friday, June 21, 2013
OP113. The definitive guide to this site
The limericks you see in black
Will have zero effect on your sack
But the ones colored red
Make it rise from the dead
To the maximum size that you pack.
Will have zero effect on your sack
But the ones colored red
Make it rise from the dead
To the maximum size that you pack.
1072-1073. Where has everyone gone?
Was something I said too offensive?
Are you whelmed 'cause this blog's so extensive?
My readership's down
So I'm wearing a frown
Do my limericks make you too pensive?
Well, sorry, I don't give a whit.
Furthermore, by god, I will not quit
Trying to be a fun writer
Appealing to brighter
Folks. If that ain't you, well tough shit!
Are you whelmed 'cause this blog's so extensive?
My readership's down
So I'm wearing a frown
Do my limericks make you too pensive?
Well, sorry, I don't give a whit.
Furthermore, by god, I will not quit
Trying to be a fun writer
Appealing to brighter
Folks. If that ain't you, well tough shit!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
1071. A Saudi excuse for a limerick
My ex-girlfriend (bitch named Rebecca)
Steadfastly refused my big pecca
She hadn't the charm
Of Miss Sunny Brook Farm
And I now wish she'd migrate to Mecca.
Steadfastly refused my big pecca
She hadn't the charm
Of Miss Sunny Brook Farm
And I now wish she'd migrate to Mecca.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
1070. A Fleeting moment
There once was a homo named Todd
Whose partner, Rick, had a strong bod
They went to the cinema
Then Todd had an enema
Before riding Rick's rigid rod.
Whose partner, Rick, had a strong bod
They went to the cinema
Then Todd had an enema
Before riding Rick's rigid rod.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
1067-1069. For a friend
I've written some rhymes for Mike Pate
Who has way too much on his plate
So his golf game does suffer
(He's worse than a duffer)
Too often at work he stays late
But now that he's not nine-and-fifty
Priorities might have to shift, he
May grow less contrarian,
This sexagenarian,
Which Marcia would find much more nifty!
Mike, I doubt that you celebrate Earth Day
But a Gaia like you needs a mirth day
So enjoy the scene
On this fine June eighteen
And have a great sixtieth birthday!
Who has way too much on his plate
So his golf game does suffer
(He's worse than a duffer)
Too often at work he stays late
But now that he's not nine-and-fifty
Priorities might have to shift, he
May grow less contrarian,
This sexagenarian,
Which Marcia would find much more nifty!
Mike, I doubt that you celebrate Earth Day
But a Gaia like you needs a mirth day
So enjoy the scene
On this fine June eighteen
And have a great sixtieth birthday!
Monday, June 17, 2013
1066. Not the Merion kind
Phil Mickelson took his June pride
And swallowed it deeply inside.
He'll have to keep hopin'
To win U.S. Open,
Six times he's been bridesmaid, not bride.
And swallowed it deeply inside.
He'll have to keep hopin'
To win U.S. Open,
Six times he's been bridesmaid, not bride.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
1065. Some habits die hard
A cross-dressing fellow named Sneed
At a dance picked the first man he see'd
Secret given away
When he just had to say,
"Hey, big guy. You follow, I'll lead."
At a dance picked the first man he see'd
Secret given away
When he just had to say,
"Hey, big guy. You follow, I'll lead."
Friday, June 14, 2013
1064. Virginia Bitch
A hooker who works Newport News
Gets rich when the fleet ends a cruise
The town becomes teemin'
With thousands of seamen
All eager to get 'em some cooze.
Gets rich when the fleet ends a cruise
The town becomes teemin'
With thousands of seamen
All eager to get 'em some cooze.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
1063. Paint ball might be safer
While role-playing on his back porch
A kid took an arrow to torch
He spilled lighter fluid
Upon a small druid
And gave the child's costume a scorch.
A kid took an arrow to torch
He spilled lighter fluid
Upon a small druid
And gave the child's costume a scorch.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
1062. Jim's nims
There once was a London lad, James,
Whom everyone called by bad names
They all mispronounced him
And further renounced Jim
By tossing him into the Thames.
Whom everyone called by bad names
They all mispronounced him
And further renounced Jim
By tossing him into the Thames.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
1061. Attitude adjuster
There's a woman who lives in Fort Riley
Who can put on a look that's beguiley
And when it's enacted
Your dick gets protracted
And you go from frowning to smiley.
Who can put on a look that's beguiley
And when it's enacted
Your dick gets protracted
And you go from frowning to smiley.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
1060. Who's dissin' who?
There once was a bastard named Lou
Who sometimes invection would spew.
Told his wife 'You're a cunt'
Which she called "an affront
to my dignity -- therefore, fuck you!"
Who sometimes invection would spew.
Told his wife 'You're a cunt'
Which she called "an affront
to my dignity -- therefore, fuck you!"
Saturday, June 8, 2013
1059. Up and atom
A physicist, first name of Niels,
Came up with some quite brilliant diels
The element, Bohrium,
Was named in memoriam
The man was so smart, gives me chiels.
Among other things, he proposed the model of the atom with electrons orbiting a nucleus.
Came up with some quite brilliant diels
The element, Bohrium,
Was named in memoriam
The man was so smart, gives me chiels.
Among other things, he proposed the model of the atom with electrons orbiting a nucleus.
Friday, June 7, 2013
1058. Couldn't prise the thighs
A man took a girl to debauch
So's to add to his bed one more notch
First, took her to dinner
But couldn't get in 'er
'Cause she wouldn't open her crotch.
So's to add to his bed one more notch
First, took her to dinner
But couldn't get in 'er
'Cause she wouldn't open her crotch.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
1057. Drink to the devil
There once was a fellow named Bruno
Who went to the opera in Juneau
He was totally soused
So missed much of Faust
A work by composer Charles Gounod.
Music lovers will note that I stressed the wrong syllable in Charles' last name. You might enjoy OkieJokey's post about Messieur Gounod found HERE.
Who went to the opera in Juneau
He was totally soused
So missed much of Faust
A work by composer Charles Gounod.
Music lovers will note that I stressed the wrong syllable in Charles' last name. You might enjoy OkieJokey's post about Messieur Gounod found HERE.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
1056. Grow some balls!
This one's 'bout a fellow named Peyton
Whose favorite pastime was datin'
But he never got
Inside a girl's twat
He was too shy to ask one for matin'.
Whose favorite pastime was datin'
But he never got
Inside a girl's twat
He was too shy to ask one for matin'.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
1055. She's on celery
A pretty employee named Barb
Can often be seen in fine garb
Her clothes are all new
Her dress size is two
(Eats nothing with more than one carb.)
Can often be seen in fine garb
Her clothes are all new
Her dress size is two
(Eats nothing with more than one carb.)
Monday, June 3, 2013
1054. This may soil you
A gay Jewish man from Ho-Ho-Kus
Likes planting nasturtiums and crocus
Sometimes when out gardening
His dick will start hardening
From thoughts of a schlong up his tochus.
Yiddish for buttocks, it's also spelled tochas, tochess, toches, tuchus, tuchas, tokus and maybe more ways in English.
Likes planting nasturtiums and crocus
Sometimes when out gardening
His dick will start hardening
From thoughts of a schlong up his tochus.
Yiddish for buttocks, it's also spelled tochas, tochess, toches, tuchus, tuchas, tokus and maybe more ways in English.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
1053. Go East, young man
A man on vacation named George
Took a trip to the deep Royal Gorge
He fell off the side
And of course he then died
Should have visited flat Valley Forge.
Took a trip to the deep Royal Gorge
He fell off the side
And of course he then died
Should have visited flat Valley Forge.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
1052. Hot cross buns
A weirdo from Egypt named Cronk
Would wank near his wife like a wonk
And when he would come
He'd wipe some on her bum
Inscribing the shape of an Ankh.
Would wank near his wife like a wonk
And when he would come
He'd wipe some on her bum
Inscribing the shape of an Ankh.
Friday, May 31, 2013
1051. A shoddy life
A teen-aged apprentice, a farrier,
Could certainly be a lot merrier
The first horse he shod
Kicked off his left cod
His sex life now has a huge barrier.
Could certainly be a lot merrier
The first horse he shod
Kicked off his left cod
His sex life now has a huge barrier.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
1050. California or bust
To a costume ball in Calistoga
A fat man went, wearing a toga
He also had wheels
On his shoulders and heels,
Laying down, was an old conestoga.
A fat man went, wearing a toga
He also had wheels
On his shoulders and heels,
Laying down, was an old conestoga.
Monday, May 27, 2013
1049. Leading cause of divorce
There once was a husband named Ned
Who oftentimes wished he were dead
His wife screwed with no life
And caused marital strife
By refusing to give him some head.
Who oftentimes wished he were dead
His wife screwed with no life
And caused marital strife
By refusing to give him some head.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
1048. What's in a name?
Here's my 5-line attempt at telling one of my all-time favorite jokes:
An Indian whose life was sucking
Asked his chief, "Why does my name bring yucking?"
"We are named for first view
When we pop from squaw's slough
But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
An Indian whose life was sucking
Asked his chief, "Why does my name bring yucking?"
"We are named for first view
When we pop from squaw's slough
But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Saturday, May 25, 2013
1047. Milking it for all it's worth
A naughty farm lad from Mount Vernon
Jacked off with a deep sense of yearnin'
The up and down stroke
Of this horny young bloke
Also worked well when doin' the churnin'.
Jacked off with a deep sense of yearnin'
The up and down stroke
Of this horny young bloke
Also worked well when doin' the churnin'.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
1045-46. Bending the rules
One of Blogspot's Terms of Service is that a blogger can't write about bestiality or incest. Maybe this will "get by" since the protagonist only does it vicariously...
I would put this in red, but I fear
To talk 'bout an animal's rear
It may feel celestial
To do that thing bestial
But we're barred from saying it here.
Still....
Attempting to get him some sleep
A man had an aid, he used sheep
He wouldn't just count 'em
He dreamed he would mount 'em
For he was a consummate creep.
I would put this in red, but I fear
To talk 'bout an animal's rear
It may feel celestial
To do that thing bestial
But we're barred from saying it here.
Still....
Attempting to get him some sleep
A man had an aid, he used sheep
He wouldn't just count 'em
He dreamed he would mount 'em
For he was a consummate creep.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
1044. Assassin needed
That Communist twerp, Kim Jong Un,
Is not what I'd call "a good son"
He acts reprehensibly
I think that, ostensibly,
He'll die by a shot from a gun.
Is not what I'd call "a good son"
He acts reprehensibly
I think that, ostensibly,
He'll die by a shot from a gun.
Monday, May 20, 2013
1043. Let's just cuddle
A man trying to swell up erectly
Told the gal, "It should get hard directly."
They waited, frustrated,
And neither got sated
So both wound up frowning abjectly.
"Directly", as used here in the southwest, has a connotation exactly opposite of "in a straightaway manner." When you say, "I'll do it directly" you really mean "when I get around to it." I'm not sure what this guy meant.
Told the gal, "It should get hard directly."
They waited, frustrated,
And neither got sated
So both wound up frowning abjectly.
"Directly", as used here in the southwest, has a connotation exactly opposite of "in a straightaway manner." When you say, "I'll do it directly" you really mean "when I get around to it." I'm not sure what this guy meant.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
1042. Aptly yclept
A big-breasted woman named Dee-Dee
Had nipples much larger than beady
How did her folks know
That one day she would grow
To use bras like her name, i.e., DD?
Her brother is Dewey in #1040.
Had nipples much larger than beady
How did her folks know
That one day she would grow
To use bras like her name, i.e., DD?
Her brother is Dewey in #1040.
Friday, May 17, 2013
PD77. Is that all?
There was a young man of Moldavia
Who couldn't believe in a savior
He erected instead
With himself as the head
The religion of decorous behavior.
Who couldn't believe in a savior
He erected instead
With himself as the head
The religion of decorous behavior.
1041. Barrel-y naughty
There once was a rascal named Trask
With a torso as big as a cask
The gas he would pass
From his ass was so crass
That you'd wish you were wearing a mask.
With a torso as big as a cask
The gas he would pass
From his ass was so crass
That you'd wish you were wearing a mask.
1040. The letter(s) of the law
There once was a doofus named Dewey
Whom a cop stopped for driving too screwy
His first name proved apt
When the officer slapped
On him handcuffs and gave him a DUI.
Whom a cop stopped for driving too screwy
His first name proved apt
When the officer slapped
On him handcuffs and gave him a DUI.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
1039. Like Pontiac, Olds and Hummer
An unfortunate fellow named Raab
In 2009 bought a Saab
But he became shaken
When GM stopped makin'
'em. Now repairs cost him a gaab.
My first new car was a '68 Saab 96 with a 4-stroke V4 engine! Previously, their engines were all 3-cylinder, 2-stroke! I loved mine and was sorry to see the brand die in Dec. 2009.
In 2009 bought a Saab
But he became shaken
When GM stopped makin'
'em. Now repairs cost him a gaab.
My first new car was a '68 Saab 96 with a 4-stroke V4 engine! Previously, their engines were all 3-cylinder, 2-stroke! I loved mine and was sorry to see the brand die in Dec. 2009.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
1038. Short-changed
On her honeymoon, Mrs. McGee
First espied her groom's tool, and 'twas wee.
But her greater surprise
Was the rise in its size --
Only grew from two inches to three.
First espied her groom's tool, and 'twas wee.
But her greater surprise
Was the rise in its size --
Only grew from two inches to three.
Monday, May 13, 2013
1037. I wonder if Coach Sandusky has some?
In prison you can't be a dope
When show'ring, do not drop the soap!
'Cause if you bend over
The bulls are like Rover,
Avoid 'em -- use Soap-on-a-Rope.
When show'ring, do not drop the soap!
'Cause if you bend over
The bulls are like Rover,
Avoid 'em -- use Soap-on-a-Rope.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
1036. But what else does she take?
A job-seeking gal named Marie
Took a drug test to check LSD
Since she was allergic
To acid lysergic
She passed -- there was none in her pee.
Took a drug test to check LSD
Since she was allergic
To acid lysergic
She passed -- there was none in her pee.
Friday, May 10, 2013
1035. Self-portrait? (I hope not.)
A learned man (lacking allure)
When writing, comes off like a boor.
He has lots of cargo*
And uses much argot
To condescend (it's de rigueur.)
*As in "to have lots of baggage." His supercilious attitude is one problem...
When writing, comes off like a boor.
He has lots of cargo*
And uses much argot
To condescend (it's de rigueur.)
*As in "to have lots of baggage." His supercilious attitude is one problem...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
OP112. To the ends of heaven
My favorite target gets it again:
The news has been heard far and wide
Yes, Birmingham's bishop has died
So that horny old bishop
Will just have to wish up
In heaven there's children to ride.
The news has been heard far and wide
Yes, Birmingham's bishop has died
So that horny old bishop
Will just have to wish up
In heaven there's children to ride.
OP111. Neither did he realize the gravity of his situation
A young nuclear theorist named Lutz
Lost his job from Sequester-based cuts.
Though he thought to pull strings
It would not have changed things,
And, besides, he did not have the GUTs.
For the umpteenth time I am
attempting to complete Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. GUT is a Grand Unified Theory which seeks to
unite the three forces of Electromagnetism, Weak Nuclear (radioactivity) and
Strong Nuclear (keeping protons and neutrons packed together). Last I heard, the fourth, Gravitational
force, is still odd-man-out.
Maybe my unfortunate
protagonist is related to Bob Lutz, American Davis Cupper and doubles whiz of
the 1970’s, who did know a thing or two about gut as applied to his
string theory.
1034. Do they go ape anyway?
There once was a man named DeJong
Who had him a dick like King Kong!
But he was a dingus --
Liked just cunnilingus --
No gal ever had his huge schlong.
Who had him a dick like King Kong!
But he was a dingus --
Liked just cunnilingus --
No gal ever had his huge schlong.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
1033. Remington, Russell and
The artist named Thomas Moran
Painted landscapes like few others can.
His scenes of the West(ic)
Are truly majestic
And I have become a big fan.
Tulsa's Gilcrease Museum has a tremendous art collection -- so large that only 8% of its items can be displayed at any one time (and it has several thousand square feet of galleries.) I've visited many times.
Painted landscapes like few others can.
His scenes of the West(ic)
Are truly majestic
And I have become a big fan.
Tulsa's Gilcrease Museum has a tremendous art collection -- so large that only 8% of its items can be displayed at any one time (and it has several thousand square feet of galleries.) I've visited many times.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
1032. Pail rider
Old Jill from the nursery rhyme's back...
She's obese and likes tongue in her crack.
When she sits on your nose
Her cheeks make your ears close
To the point that you cannot hear jack.
She's obese and likes tongue in her crack.
When she sits on your nose
Her cheeks make your ears close
To the point that you cannot hear jack.
Monday, May 6, 2013
1031. Come one, come all
There once was a woman named Rose
Who could quickly get out of her clothes.
And then she would ball
The slim, fat, short and tall
By using her legs-in-air pose.
Who could quickly get out of her clothes.
And then she would ball
The slim, fat, short and tall
By using her legs-in-air pose.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
OP110. By the boatload
I've heard of a hooker named Leeman
It's said that she fucks like a demon
And she causes commotion
For, just like the ocean
She's often seen swallowing seamen.
It's said that she fucks like a demon
And she causes commotion
For, just like the ocean
She's often seen swallowing seamen.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
PD75-76. Lifted from Reddit
Dave Reddekopp and I occasionally post at Reddit (click that to see them all.) Here are two by another participant which I think are damned good. I've listed the name he uses there.
I courted the young Miss Mahoney
I was hoping she'd mount my baloney
But when I checked her crack
I was taken aback
She was riding the red cotton pony
EdFitz83
There once was a man named Jerome
Who liked to jerk off when not home
He once pulled his meat
From Paris to Crete
And didn't switch hands until Rome.
EdFitz83
I courted the young Miss Mahoney
I was hoping she'd mount my baloney
But when I checked her crack
I was taken aback
She was riding the red cotton pony
EdFitz83
There once was a man named Jerome
Who liked to jerk off when not home
He once pulled his meat
From Paris to Crete
And didn't switch hands until Rome.
EdFitz83
Friday, May 3, 2013
1030. Concrete shoes
A fellow from Buffalo, Al,
Thought a mafia thug was his pal
But Al leered at thug's wife
Which cost him his life
He was found in the Erie Canal.
Thought a mafia thug was his pal
But Al leered at thug's wife
Which cost him his life
He was found in the Erie Canal.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
1029. Date expectations
There is a young woman named Kate
With looks far beyond second-rate
But she thinks it immoral
To do the deed 'oral'
So hasn't had one second date.
Geez, I remember when getting a kiss on the first date was rare!
With looks far beyond second-rate
But she thinks it immoral
To do the deed 'oral'
So hasn't had one second date.
Geez, I remember when getting a kiss on the first date was rare!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
1028. It wasn't Jason Collins
My title has the name of the Celtics player who came out of the closet yesterday.
An NBA guy gave the word
To his wife, "Let's have sex with a third."
He got his point guard
To also get hard
And a two-on-one fast break occurred.
An NBA guy gave the word
To his wife, "Let's have sex with a third."
He got his point guard
To also get hard
And a two-on-one fast break occurred.
1027. Militant smoker
A man who enjoyed his cigar
Was told, "You can't smoke in my bar."
So in that small cloister
He spit out an oyster
Coughed up from his black lungs' catarrh.
Was told, "You can't smoke in my bar."
So in that small cloister
He spit out an oyster
Coughed up from his black lungs' catarrh.
Monday, April 29, 2013
1026. Pronunciation prod
There is an old woman from Worcester
Who once was a big U. Mass borcester.
Now she's not the same
'Cause at the last game,
While preparing to sit, someone gorcester.
Who once was a big U. Mass borcester.
Now she's not the same
'Cause at the last game,
While preparing to sit, someone gorcester.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
1025. Hat trick
On leave from the French Foreign Legion
A soldier continued his siegin'.
Still wearing his kepi
He showed he was peppy,
Attacking his girl's nether region.
A soldier continued his siegin'.
Still wearing his kepi
He showed he was peppy,
Attacking his girl's nether region.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
1024. Kenya believe this?
A runner who hailed from Namibia
Decided to build up his tibia.
"I'll jog" he had planned
"'Til I've run out of land."
Headed north -- clear to Tripoli, Libya!
He must have been bad at geography. West would've been a whole lot shorter.
Decided to build up his tibia.
"I'll jog" he had planned
"'Til I've run out of land."
Headed north -- clear to Tripoli, Libya!
He must have been bad at geography. West would've been a whole lot shorter.
Friday, April 26, 2013
1023. James jams
There once were two limousine chauffeurs
Who mainly just acted as gofers.
The men became friends
And rammed each other's ends
Because they were light in the loafers.
Who mainly just acted as gofers.
The men became friends
And rammed each other's ends
Because they were light in the loafers.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
OP109. To use the views of Cruise...
L. Ron's religion feels my wrath today.
Said a man who believed in Lord Xenu
Scientology's true, for all he knew
But its inventor, Hubbard
Stashed the cash in his cupboard
He was guilty of fraud, and yes, we knew.
Said a man who believed in Lord Xenu
Scientology's true, for all he knew
But its inventor, Hubbard
Stashed the cash in his cupboard
He was guilty of fraud, and yes, we knew.
1022. The scuttlebutt? No buttle smut.
A divorced estate owner, Ms. Nick,
Hired on a new butler for prick.
But her majordomo
Turned out to be homo,
And gave neither dick nor a lick.
Hired on a new butler for prick.
But her majordomo
Turned out to be homo,
And gave neither dick nor a lick.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
OP108. #1021's soulmate
A girl who found studying tough
Thought the past wasn't thrilling enough
So she got out her toys
And now she enjoys
Learning all of her history, buff.
Thought the past wasn't thrilling enough
So she got out her toys
And now she enjoys
Learning all of her history, buff.
1021. Different strokes
A man with a passion for history
Whipped off as he learned! (Quite a mystery.)
He'd read about Salome,
Xerxes and Ptolemy,
All the time practicing wristery.
Whipped off as he learned! (Quite a mystery.)
He'd read about Salome,
Xerxes and Ptolemy,
All the time practicing wristery.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
1020. Quicky, Lorraine?
A gal hoped to have an orgasm
At least just a single small spasm
But she didn't make it
Had no time to fake it
Too soon came his white protoplasm.
At least just a single small spasm
But she didn't make it
Had no time to fake it
Too soon came his white protoplasm.
Monday, April 22, 2013
OP107. Misfits
A young epileptic from Turkey
Whose prospects for dating were murky
One day was in luck
But when they tried to fuck
Hanky-panky was all herky-jerky.
Whose prospects for dating were murky
One day was in luck
But when they tried to fuck
Hanky-panky was all herky-jerky.
OP106. And that goes double for Acknowledgments
Meritorious books feature Forewords.
Authors list raisons d’être and core words.
But when all’s said and done
Readers jump to Page One
And omit those superfluous bore words.
On the other hand, lower case
italicized Roman numerals are pretty to look at…
1019. I'm kinda fauna this one
A botanist was an explora,
Spent eighteen months trekking Andorra.
His wife was named Flo
But she didn't go
For she knew he had eyes just for Flora.
Spent eighteen months trekking Andorra.
His wife was named Flo
But she didn't go
For she knew he had eyes just for Flora.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
1018. Cloven cloaca
I don't think I've used the 2nd word in my title since 10th grade biology (poor frog!)
There is a young woman named Jo
Whose swimsuit makes any boy glow.
That too-tight bikini
Will raise up your weenie
When you see her sweet camel toe.
There is a young woman named Jo
Whose swimsuit makes any boy glow.
That too-tight bikini
Will raise up your weenie
When you see her sweet camel toe.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
1017. The Good Doctor
There once was a woman named Claire
Whose cervix once felt only fair.
Not the one that's abdominal,
Her neck! A phenomenal
Surgeon took 'way all her care.
Here's wishing a quick recovery to a former classmate.
Whose cervix once felt only fair.
Not the one that's abdominal,
Her neck! A phenomenal
Surgeon took 'way all her care.
Here's wishing a quick recovery to a former classmate.
Friday, April 19, 2013
1016. Spacy probe
This one's entered in the same contest at Reddit, but OP105 below should win.
There once was an astronaut, Todd,
Whose method of steering was odd.
Missed the moon, went to Venus.
It burned up his penis
As well as the rest of his bod.
There once was an astronaut, Todd,
Whose method of steering was odd.
Missed the moon, went to Venus.
It burned up his penis
As well as the rest of his bod.
OP105. Star-struck
Outer space is the topic for this Reddit limerick contest. This is my second submission, hot off the press.
A spaceship commander, imperious
Passing objects both known and mysterious
Caught a glimpse from afar
Of an uncommon star
Which would cause him to say "You're not Sirius."
A spaceship commander, imperious
Passing objects both known and mysterious
Caught a glimpse from afar
Of an uncommon star
Which would cause him to say "You're not Sirius."
Thursday, April 18, 2013
1015. The just-beyond blond
Suzanne Somers was sexy and neato
In the film called "Amer'can Graffito."
She said not a word
From her white Thunderbird
Her allure was, she stayed incognito.
In the film called "Amer'can Graffito."
She said not a word
From her white Thunderbird
Her allure was, she stayed incognito.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
1014. Spectacular women
I'm partial to girls who wear glasses,
With big tits and nice rounded asses.
But what I find best
Is when I make my quest
To their pussies as smooth as molasses.
With big tits and nice rounded asses.
But what I find best
Is when I make my quest
To their pussies as smooth as molasses.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
1013. Random ax of unkindness
There once was a Boy Scout named Barrow
Whom everyone thought a straight arrow.
The truth doesn't match it
For he took his hatchet
And chopped his mom through to the marrow.
Perhaps he was related to Lizzie Borden...
Whom everyone thought a straight arrow.
The truth doesn't match it
For he took his hatchet
And chopped his mom through to the marrow.
Perhaps he was related to Lizzie Borden...
Monday, April 15, 2013
1012. Valley boy
A boy with the brain of a lemur
Went out for a drive in his Beemer.
He drove 115
And crashed in a ravine,
Lost his cock, broke his coccyx and femur.
Went out for a drive in his Beemer.
He drove 115
And crashed in a ravine,
Lost his cock, broke his coccyx and femur.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
1011. Prophylactic prolix
A southerner, aptly named Bubba,
Likes doing the old hubba-hubba.
His wife he would fill
But she's not on the pill
And insists Bubba put on a rubba.
Likes doing the old hubba-hubba.
His wife he would fill
But she's not on the pill
And insists Bubba put on a rubba.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
1010. Give this one a hurl
There once was a loser named Luke
And when he'd get drunk, he would puke.
His projectile vomit
Shot forth like a comet
Or like an ICBM 'nuke.'
That's Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile for you young folks.
And when he'd get drunk, he would puke.
His projectile vomit
Shot forth like a comet
Or like an ICBM 'nuke.'
That's Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile for you young folks.
Friday, April 12, 2013
1009. Fractured French
Fans of Nat'l. Public Radio's "A Prairie Home Companion" will recognize the mispronunciation of the last word in line 3. Say it "berf" to make it rhyme.
A drunk out to dine pressed his luck.
Said to waitress, "What's good? I hate duck."
Waitress: "Like shrimp and boeuf?
You might try "Surf and Turf."
Said the drunk, "Is that like 'fuck and suck?'"
Those last two lines actually occurred at my cousin's wedding reception! (Can you tell I'm now scrambling for material?)
A drunk out to dine pressed his luck.
Said to waitress, "What's good? I hate duck."
Waitress: "Like shrimp and boeuf?
You might try "Surf and Turf."
Said the drunk, "Is that like 'fuck and suck?'"
Those last two lines actually occurred at my cousin's wedding reception! (Can you tell I'm now scrambling for material?)
1008. Let me try one...
Herr Reddekopp introduced me to a new term in his OP102-104 (below.) I'll try "verbing" it in my attempt to compete with all his wondrous 'boinking bishop' posts.
When boys smoke, that Bishop of Birmingham
Buys patches, spends time Nicoderm-ing 'em.
He bares more than arms
And he raises alarms
When he then has much fun trouser-worming 'em.
When boys smoke, that Bishop of Birmingham
Buys patches, spends time Nicoderm-ing 'em.
He bares more than arms
And he raises alarms
When he then has much fun trouser-worming 'em.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
OP102-104. I'll bet he is...
Our old friend's at it again...if I ever write a book of these he gets his own section.
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His views about sex, says he's firm in them
As he takes the young boys
They make a loud noise
When he sticks his foot-long trouser worm in them.
or...
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His clutches, a young boy was squirming in
His constant trajectory
Up in the rectory
Won't deviate, but remain firm in him.
or, to try it from another angle...
The bishop in Trois-Rivieres
Likes buggering boys' derrieres
But his colleague in Birmingham
Shoots much more sperm in them
He feels that he just can't compare.
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His views about sex, says he's firm in them
As he takes the young boys
They make a loud noise
When he sticks his foot-long trouser worm in them.
or...
There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His clutches, a young boy was squirming in
His constant trajectory
Up in the rectory
Won't deviate, but remain firm in him.
or, to try it from another angle...
The bishop in Trois-Rivieres
Likes buggering boys' derrieres
But his colleague in Birmingham
Shoots much more sperm in them
He feels that he just can't compare.
1007. Golf widow
Last night I received a bouquet
With my husband's note, "I've gone away."
I'm sure that he musta
Gone off to Augusta,
The Masters is starting today.
With my husband's note, "I've gone away."
I'm sure that he musta
Gone off to Augusta,
The Masters is starting today.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
1006. I'm a poet lariat
A crusty ol' cowboy named Charles
Just hates when his best lasso gnarls.
He can't rope a calf
When his loop flies just half
The way there, and he cusses and snarls.
Just hates when his best lasso gnarls.
He can't rope a calf
When his loop flies just half
The way there, and he cusses and snarls.
OP101. The vanity of profanity insanity
My entry from a just-for-fun contest on Reddit. We had to use the word "girdle".
I've noticed some people can't bear
To hear even a casual swear
It seems odd that a word'll
Get under their girdle
As for me, I don't fucking well care.
I've noticed some people can't bear
To hear even a casual swear
It seems odd that a word'll
Get under their girdle
As for me, I don't fucking well care.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
1005. SWELL problem
A stink-fingered bozo named Boyd
Had one very raw hemorrhoid.
He sat on the pot
And reached for the spot.
When he found it, he scratched and he toyed.
Had one very raw hemorrhoid.
He sat on the pot
And reached for the spot.
When he found it, he scratched and he toyed.
Monday, April 8, 2013
1004. Fat fate
In need of the old bypass gastric,
A huge woman also was spastic.
At a dance she did slip,
Made her fat partner trip
Not the Light but the Heavy Fantastic.
A huge woman also was spastic.
At a dance she did slip,
Made her fat partner trip
Not the Light but the Heavy Fantastic.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
1003. He could also use Royal Jelly
A descendant of great Nibelungen
Is proud of his dick (he's a hung 'un.)
In his gasoline car
Keeps a Vaseline jar
To use if he finds him a young 'un.
(Click the last word in line 1 for its definition.)
Is proud of his dick (he's a hung 'un.)
In his gasoline car
Keeps a Vaseline jar
To use if he finds him a young 'un.
(Click the last word in line 1 for its definition.)
Saturday, April 6, 2013
1002. Library libertine
There once was a fellow named Dean
Who read only books dubbed 'obscene.'
For he was a hedonist
And was the readin'-est
Fan of filth ever was seen.
Who read only books dubbed 'obscene.'
For he was a hedonist
And was the readin'-est
Fan of filth ever was seen.
Friday, April 5, 2013
1001. Fitting for this number
Scheherazade, Maid of Arabia,
Declared, "You know, I think that maybe a
Man every night
For 1000 just might
Set a World Record streak for one's labia."
Declared, "You know, I think that maybe a
Man every night
For 1000 just might
Set a World Record streak for one's labia."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
OP100. Congrats!
I figured I'd celebrate The Limericist's 1000th limerick, and the 100 from the rest of us, by making this milestone limmie to honor the people who have made this site what it is.
Though we're not so good at karaoke
With limericks we're okie-dokey
So, a toast to the hosts
Who can boast the most posts
Me, The Limericist, OkieJokey!
There have been others, and to them, thank you as well. I only put myself first in the limerick to make the anapest work.
Though we're not so good at karaoke
With limericks we're okie-dokey
So, a toast to the hosts
Who can boast the most posts
Me, The Limericist, OkieJokey!
There have been others, and to them, thank you as well. I only put myself first in the limerick to make the anapest work.
996-1000. What a GRAND time I've had!
I've come to my limerick mille,
One concerning a lovely jeune fille.
Though uncharacteristic
No filth, not sadistic
However, she'll be deshabille.
One night when she stepped from the shower
Heard her doorbell ring, this made her sour.
She threw on a teddy
And thought she was ready
To see who had come at that hour.
She opened the door and -- surprise!
Her pastor stood there with huge eyes.
For her teddy was tiny,
Not cov'ring her hiney,
And neither did it reach her thighs.
He really did try to avert
His look, but her lack of a skirt
Made him zero right in
And start lusting (a sin)
With his manhood no longer inert.
While still looking somewhat askance
He managed to raise up his glance.
He said, "We've a date.
Am I early or late?
And are you wearing that to the dance?"
One concerning a lovely jeune fille.
Though uncharacteristic
No filth, not sadistic
However, she'll be deshabille.
One night when she stepped from the shower
Heard her doorbell ring, this made her sour.
She threw on a teddy
And thought she was ready
To see who had come at that hour.
She opened the door and -- surprise!
Her pastor stood there with huge eyes.
For her teddy was tiny,
Not cov'ring her hiney,
And neither did it reach her thighs.
He really did try to avert
His look, but her lack of a skirt
Made him zero right in
And start lusting (a sin)
With his manhood no longer inert.
While still looking somewhat askance
He managed to raise up his glance.
He said, "We've a date.
Am I early or late?
And are you wearing that to the dance?"
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
995. Staying unencumbered
An "I-play-the-field" man named Steadham
Likes taking out women to bed 'em.
And he is real deft
When he enters the cleft
At avoiding proposals to wed 'em.
Likes taking out women to bed 'em.
And he is real deft
When he enters the cleft
At avoiding proposals to wed 'em.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
OP99. Boned. James Boned.
There once was a young British spy
Who thought he would give men a try
He'd often had women
This time, let a him in
But the cock up his crack made him cry.
Who thought he would give men a try
He'd often had women
This time, let a him in
But the cock up his crack made him cry.
994. Clothes bake the man
A dirty cross-dresser named Hurdle
Got hot when he put on a girdle.
The heat 'round his middle
Burned just like a griddle
And caused all his semen to curdle.
Got hot when he put on a girdle.
The heat 'round his middle
Burned just like a griddle
And caused all his semen to curdle.
Monday, April 1, 2013
993. Ya glotta like this one
There is a young lover named Yont
Whose tongue is both lengthy and gaunt.
He's learned how to french
With about any wench
And I don't mean "La plume de ma tante."
Whose tongue is both lengthy and gaunt.
He's learned how to french
With about any wench
And I don't mean "La plume de ma tante."
OP98. Paradise lost
Say hello to April's fool:
April's husband broke one of her rules
For he came from a set of rich fools
So she made him pay
In more than one way
He's cut off from his family jewels.
April's husband broke one of her rules
For he came from a set of rich fools
So she made him pay
In more than one way
He's cut off from his family jewels.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
992. Mother Goose is turning in her grave
To a girl nicknamed 'Pumpkin', a tweeter,
Replied Peter that he'd like to meet 'er.
They hooked up real soon
And his tongue made her swoon.
His name now includes 'Pumpkin eater.'
Replied Peter that he'd like to meet 'er.
They hooked up real soon
And his tongue made her swoon.
His name now includes 'Pumpkin eater.'
Saturday, March 30, 2013
991. Devilish doings
A Wiccan who wanted some lovin'
Chose a strapping young man from her coven.
He used no protection
On his big erection,
She now has a bun in the oven.
Chose a strapping young man from her coven.
He used no protection
On his big erection,
She now has a bun in the oven.
Friday, March 29, 2013
989-990. Investigative native
There is a young sleuth from New Guinea,
Undernourished and terribly skinny.
He's shaped like a rail
And his weight it does fail
To come up to a buck and a penny.
Though sometimes he's not law-abiding
(Which makes the police give him chiding),
With his slender physique
It is easy to sneak --
He can use any phone pole for hiding!
In baseball, money is sometimes used to describe a low batting average. For example, "He's only hitting a buck seventy five" means his average is .175, so this guy weighs under 101.
Undernourished and terribly skinny.
He's shaped like a rail
And his weight it does fail
To come up to a buck and a penny.
Though sometimes he's not law-abiding
(Which makes the police give him chiding),
With his slender physique
It is easy to sneak --
He can use any phone pole for hiding!
In baseball, money is sometimes used to describe a low batting average. For example, "He's only hitting a buck seventy five" means his average is .175, so this guy weighs under 101.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
OP97. Taking on all comers
There once was a woman named Julie
Whose sex drive was really unruly
By the bold and the nervous
Her cervix got service
She would have sex with anyone. Truly.
Whose sex drive was really unruly
By the bold and the nervous
Her cervix got service
She would have sex with anyone. Truly.
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